A Yarn of Seymour's Ordeal
by Silver Whirl
Summary: While Yuna is gone, Seymour shows up... again... and is defeated... again. However, no summoner means no sending, so Rikku, Lulu, Wakka, and Auron must keep Seymour with them until they find Yuna. First attempt at a story. Kinda silly. Behold the alte
1. Rikku's Invention

DISCLAIMER: The following characters all appear in Final Fantasy X and are owned by Squaresoft. Not me.

)(

"We did it! We did it!"  
Rikku leapt jubilantly into the air, the blue ribbons that trailed down her back fluttering after her in the slight breeze of the Calm Lands. They had all been a bit panicked when Seymour had appeared for what seemed to her like the billionth time. She had been certain that they'd killed him for good the last time. Of course, she had also thought so the time before that. And the time before that. Anyway, they hadn't been expecting him, or they never would have assured Yuna and Tidus that they could go off and do who knew what (Well, Rikku had a pretty good idea of what—heehee!). And they definitely wouldn't have allowed Kimahri to go with them as a chaperone. But even with their summoner and two fellow guardians gone, Rikku, Auron, Lulu, and Wakka had managed to defeat the pesky powerful half- Guado.  
Rikku was particularly proud of the victory. She had been fiddling with some parts from an anti-magic field generator and created a small device that had greatly limited Seymour's power. Without having to worry so much about dodging magic attacks—and decked out in the zombie-proof armor she had customized for them—they were able to be more reckless than was usual. And so they had won.  
She high-fived Wakka, who stood next to her. He laughed and spiked his blitzball into the air. Lulu simply looked quietly pleased.  
Auron, on the other hand, interrupted them. "Hmph. Calm yourselves. We're not done yet."  
Wakka caught his blitzball. "Huh?"  
"Aw, Auron, don't be a killjoy," said Rikku. "We won!"  
"Yes. But we've won against Seymour before," Auron said. "And he always comes back."  
Lulu's crimson eyes widened slightly in comprehension. "We need to send him. But our summoner is absent."  
"Oh." Rikku frowned. She had forgotten about that. "So what do we do now?"  
Wakka crossed his arms. "Hmm." After a moment he looked up. "Hey, Lu? You got the strongest magic. Do you think that maybe--?"  
Lulu shook her head, the ornaments on her braids clicking together. "No. I know very little of white magic. And anyway, I am not trained in the sending ritual."  
The quartet fell into silence again. Rikku looked over at the unmoving form of Seymour and scowled. Stupid Seymour, who'd never stay dead. He either had to stay down or become less of a threat. How was it that the more they defeated him, the stronger he grew each time? She grinned slightly. He hadn't been too strong today, not after she'd tried her new machina gadget out on him. Rikku cheerfully remembered the look of furious surprise on his face after she'd pressed the button. No more Ultima spells from him!  
As she looked proudly at her creation, a thought occurred to her. With a little modification, she could probably increase the power of the device to nullify Seymour's high-caliber magic completely. What if she extended it, to cancel out all the special privileges of being an unsent? Or most of them, at least—he still wouldn't die be normal means. But it ought to be an easy enough process. Some Holy Water, a few Candles of Life, maybe a Farplane Wind for good measure...Her grin broadened.  
"Auron," she asked innocently, "how long would you be able to keep him unconscious for?"  
"A few hours, perhaps," Auron replied. His good eye narrowed suspiciously behind his sunglasses. "Why?"  
Rikku flipped her invention over in her hand. "I have an idea..."  
  
)(

Seymour slowly raised his throbbing head. Why did he feel so weak? He then remembered, with disgusted groan, the battle. It was bad enough that he had lost. But to lose to only four of them, without Yuna... Humiliating.  
What rankled him most of all was that Al Bhed girl. What had she done to him? She'd hopped forward with a machina and pointed it at him, whooping in surprised glee when he'd stumbled. Seymour had encountered anti-magic fields before, and had long ago been able to shatter them. What had been different about this one? He'd felt his power drawn away from him and disintegrated. He had continued to fight, but it had been hopeless without his magic.  
Where was he? The Farplane? No. His head hurt; there were no physical pains on the Farplane, since one did not have a physical self. In addition to his headache, Seymour became aware of a something pressing lightly on his neck.  
He opened his eyes, vision blurry. The bright blurs in front of him resolved themselves into two very wide, swirling green eyes that stood out of an impish face.  
"Hey, he's up!"  
The chipper voice caught Seymour by surprise and he thunked backwards. He looked up to see the Al Bhed girl grinning over him.  
"Hi!"  
His lip curled in distaste. "Get away from me, you little brat." He cried out in surprise as a small electric shock crackled around his neck.  
"It's rude to call names," said the Al Bhed, flipping a small machina controller in her hand.  
Seymour reached up with one large hand. His fingers met a smooth metal band that encircled his entire neck. He found the seam, but the band would not separate. He glared at the girl. "What is this?"  
She beamed. "You like? It's a power nullifier. I named it Calhoun." She gestured at the controller in her hand.  
Seymour remembered the machina she had pointed at him, the thing that had leeched away his power. "You made this?"  
"Yep. The original—the one you saw earlier—was basically an amped-up anti-magic field device. This one goes a bit farther and makes you as harmless as baby chocobo. Go ahead—try and zap me."  
Gladly, Seymour thought as he sat up and raised his hand. He willed a tongue of lightning to move between his fingers, to gather there and blast the annoying Al Bhed into oblivion, but it did not come. He concentrated harder, beads of sweat forming on his furrowed brow. Still nothing.  
The girl stood nonchalantly fiddling with one of her blond braids. "See? You can't do anything."  
Seymour composed himself, hiding his intense frustration. "And what is the point of this?"  
"To keep you here till Yunie gets back and can send you," she replied. "In the meantime, I'm in charge of you. And all of us are planning on having some fun while we're at it."  
Seymour, in the relatively unfamiliar position of being the weakest one in the group, suddenly felt very nervous about what "fun" would entail.  
"Rikku!" called a voice Seymour recognized as Auron's from the campfire a few yards away. "We're eating."  
"Okay!" she called back. "Gotta go," she said to Seymour. "Do you need to eat? Ah, well, I'll bring you food in the morning. Nighty-night!"  
She pressed a button on the controller, and before Seymour had time to wonder why she was bidding him good night this early in the evening, he toppled over fast asleep.


	2. Of Boxers and Blitzball

DISCLAIMER: The following characters all appear in Final Fantasy X and are owned by Squaresoft. Not me. I also do not own the concept of "Hammertime," which I suppose is owned by MC Hammer.  
  
)(  
  
Seymour awoke the next day feeling somewhat chilly. The reason was soon explained when he stretched and did not feel his sleeves flapping against his arms. His clothes were gone.  
"What the—" He was sitting on the grass wearing nothing but his undershorts. Even his shoes were missing.  
"Good morning!" The Al Bhed girl—Rikku, he remembered—skipped up to him carrying a plate. "I brought you some waffles." She set them down and took a swig from a juice box.  
Seymour didn't notice the waffles. He was focused on a very familiar- looking part of Rikku's outfit. "You are wearing my pants."  
"Mm-hmm."  
"_Why_?"  
"Cuz I like them," she said simply. "I had to take them in at the waist, but it's nice fabric. And they're so retro. Hammertime!" She began beatboxing.  
Seymour had absolutely no idea what she was talking about.  
"Oh! And watch what else I can do." Rikku scampered up the nearby cliff face until she was a good distance from the ground. Then she launched herself into the air feet-first. At first she dropped, but then Seymour's pants billowed outwards and caught the wind, expanding to twice their apparent width. Thus cushioned, Rikku floated gently to the ground. She grinned. "Now these are parachute pants!"  
Seymour was confused and more than a little bit irritated. "Where are my clothes?"  
"I've got them," she replied. "I'm tailoring them. They look very silly on you. You really don't have that bad a figure, y'know? But those Guado clothes make you look so _bulky_. You need something more flattering."  
Something unpleasant occurred to Seymour. "Did you undress me while I was asleep?!"  
"Yep," Rikku nodded as though this was perfectly ordinary. "I trimmed those nasty fingernails of yours, too."  
Seymour glanced at his hands and saw that his previously long, pointed nails were now a blunted normal length. "I ask you again, _why_?"  
"Cuz they looked gross."  
"Give me my clothes back," he demanded.  
"Not till I'm done with them."  
"And what am I supposed to wear in the meantime?"  
Rikku giggled. "Well, those fancy boxers are pretty nice."  
He angrily raised his hand to smack her. Rikku pressed a button on Calhoun that sent a shock through him. He dropped his hand, seething. "Once I have my powers back, I _swear_..."  
"Blah blah blah," said Rikku, making a chatty mouth with her hand. "Fine. I'll get you something to wear."  
"Good." He did not thank her.  
She wandered off and Seymour contemplated making a run for it. He decided against it. Rikku could make him fall asleep at the push of a button. Also, he had no desire to wander menacingly around Spira in his undershorts. He sat down and waited resentfully.  
Rikku returned a few minutes later, dumping a pile of clothes on Seymour's lap. "Here ya go."  
Seymour sifted through them dubiously. He found a pair of blitzball pants, a black lacy nightgown, a tiny Al Bhed jumpsuit, and an atrocious women's hat covered in puffballs and garishly yellow feathers. "These?"  
Rikku shrugged one shoulder. "It's all we've got. Take your pick. In case you're wondering, the pants are Wakka's, the nightgown's Lulu's, the jumpsuit's mine, and I found the hat in the dumpster behind the shop over there."  
Seymour looked from Rikku to the jumpsuit. "You expect _me_ to fit into something that _you_ wear."  
"It stretches a lot," she explained. "My brother only wears a couple sizes bigger than me. It might be a little tight, especially across the shoulders, but it'll fit. Wanna try?"  
"Not particularly—"  
But Rikku had already begun unzipping the jumpsuit and pulling it over his feet. Somehow, in a matter of seconds, she had it up over his shoulders and was zipping it up.  
"There!" Rikku hopped back to survey her work. Her green eyes widened and she burst into giggles. Before Seymour could check to see what she found so amusing, she'd unzipped the suit once again. Her adeptness at changing the clothes of others was uncanny.  
"Oh my..." Rikku was still giggling as Seymour kicked the suit off from around his ankles. "I guess you were right about it not fitting. Just wear Wakka's blitz pants."  
Seymour pulled them on, consoling himself with murderous visions of what he would do when he had that Calhoun thing off of him and his power restored. At least the pants were comfortable.  
"That's better, even if you still look like a dork," said Rikku. Her eyes lit up. "Hey! You should practice with Wakka! He hasn't had anyone to play with since Tidus and Yunie left. It'll be fun!" And she promptly ran over towards the rest of the group, hiking up Seymour's billowing pants out of her way.  
  
)(  
  
Wakka approached Seymour a little while later, carrying a blitzball under his arm. Seymour looked at the Besaid blitzer contemptuously. "What?"  
"You wanna play some blitzball?"  
Seymour sniffed. "No." A small shock zapped him.  
"Yes you do!" Rikku called from midair as she floated down on Seymour's pants.  
Wakka chuckled. "I don't think you have a choice, ya? Stay here. I'll go out."  
He jogged out into the grassy field of the Calm Lands, stopping at the edge of a fissure. "Okay! Get ready!"  
Wakka tossed the ball high into the air and poised himself. As the ball reached its zenith, he leapt, reeling back his leg. His foot hit the falling ball with a resounding thud. It sped through the air, its backdraft rippling the grass. Seymour heard it whizzing with increasing loudness and realized it was heading straight for him. He couldn't blast it away, but he had no idea how to block it. And he wasn't about to even consider flinging himself to the ground. Well, it was a ball. How much could it really—  
WHAP!  
The blitzball whacked him in the face with completely unexpected force, knocking him backwards onto the grass. For a moment he lay there in a daze, seeing nothing but brightness interspersed with exploding dots. Then his vision focused into something resembling normal, except that he was staring up at two Wakkas and two Rikkus.  
"Whoa! Are you okay?" the Rikkus asked.  
"Yeesh, his nose don't look so good," said the Wakkas.  
Seymour's nose was in horrid pain. He reached up and touched something moist. "Gib be a birror," he ordered.  
"A what?" The Wakkas fused back into one again.  
"A birror!"  
"Oh! A _mirror_." Rikku flipped open one of the small pouches hanging from her belts. After fishing around a bit, she produced a small pink compact. "Here ya go."  
Seymour clicked it open and held it in front of him. His elegant nose was swollen and coloring. A sizable amount of blood was trickling from it.  
"Tilt your head back," Wakka suggested.  
"Tissue?" Rikku waved one in front of him.  
Seymour snatched it away and began bitterly to dab his nose. What was wrong with them? He wondered. How could he have been defeated by such fools? Playing games, arbitrarily stealing his clothing... and _they_ were supposed to be guardians! _They_ were supposed to be protecting Yuna! Someone with her power, protected by a chattering girl and a dimwitted jock? It was a travesty. At least Auron and the mage—Lulu—seemed sober. Still inferior in power, but sober. He would get his powers back, he vowed, and when he did he would blow them all into—  
"So, you up for anotha round?"  
Seymour's eyes snapped back to Wakka. "Another round?" he repeated acidly. "You must be joking."  
Wakka scowled at him. "It was a courtesy question."  
"Aw, Wakka, he's cranky," said Rikku.  
Seymour wasn't sure what bothered him more: that Wakka was ordering him around, or that Rikku was patronizing him. "I am not 'cranky.'"  
"Yeah you are. You're pouting right now," said Rikku. "Go nap."  
She took out Calhoun, pressed the button, and sent Seymour falling back onto the grass with the bloody tissue still clutched in his hand.

)(

(A/N) Heeheeheee...slightly random, yes. Well, this is what Seymour gets for making me spend so much time training to beat him on Gagazet. At any rate, thanks to all who read this! Ooo, and bonus points for anyone who can tell me what Calhoun is named for.


	3. Mooglesitting

DISCLAIMER: The following characters all appear in Final Fantasy X and are owned by Squaresoft. Not me. Thankfully. I also do not own the song _Afternoon Delight_ by the Starland Vocal Band.

Also, _vielen dank_ to everyone who's reviewed this. Yay!

And extra special bonus points to aliedcam1 for knowing what Calhoun is named after. Mr. Calhoun popped up in quite a few essays I had to write this past year. Ah, AP US History. Thanks to it, I am tainted with random historical facts that I will never need.

)(  
  
Blitzball was attempted again after Seymour awoke from his nap and Rikku had bandaged his nose. She had offered to attempt a healing on it, as Yuna and Lulu had begun teaching her some basic magic, but Seymour had vehemently declined due to nightmarish visions of his nose exploding, mutating, or otherwise becoming in even worse condition than it currently was. Wakka had made some progress in teaching Seymour some blitzball fundamentals, and it had almost seemed that Seymour was—well, not exactly enjoying himself, but not being miserable. Maybe he liked being able to hit something, even if it was just a ball. At any rate, the game had been cut short when Seymour had attempted to head the ball and accidentally skewered it with his bangs. It had popped instantly. Since it was the only non-upgraded ball he had, Wakka had taken it for repair. He now sat on a rock stitching up the hole. He caught a shadow moving out of the corner of his eye. "Hey, Lu."

"Wakka," the black mage greeted him. "I see you had fun with Seymour."

"Yeah," Wakka nodded. "He's not really that bad a blitzer, once I taught him how to catch. He'd be good in goal. Good hands, ya?"

Lulu looked over at the half-Guado, who was seated cross-legged in the grass looking annoyed as Rikku piloted a small model airship around his head. "Do you really think it's wise to take him so lightly?"

"I'll take him lightly so long as he has that machina on him." At that moment Seymour reached out and grabbed the airship. Rikku pointed Calhoun at him threateningly. He scowled and released the toy. Wakka laughed. "If I still was nervous about machina being unholy, I'm definitely not now. That thing is too much fun to be bad."

"I don't know," Lulu frowned. "Auron and I have been talking. Seymour is very powerful. He should be taken more seriously. What if he gets that controller away from Rikku, or finds some other way to remove the nullifier before Yuna returns?"

Wakka shrugged. "Then we'll fight him again."

"And we will probably lose. And then he will annihilate us."

"Yeah, probably," said Wakka. "But look, Lu, he'd do that no matter how we treated him. We're not being as mean to him as we could be, you know."

"I suppose not," Lulu said reluctantly. "But don't become too friendly with him."

"Oh, don't worry about that," said Wakka. "He's a blaspheming creep. But there's no harm in having some fun with him. You know, you oughta try it sometime."

Lulu was not a joking person, so this was not up her alley. "I don't know..."

"Come on," Wakka urged. "You'll like it! Just think of something interesting."

Lulu sighed. "All right. I'll try it once."

"Good!" Wakka grinned at her. "Any ideas?"

Lulu smiled back slightly. "I think I have one..."  
  
)(  
  
Seymour was surprised when Lulu approached him later. The black mage with the very distracting cleavage had not so much as glanced at him since the battle.

"What do you want?" He remained on his guard, though he doubted that Lulu was going to throw a ball at him or attempt to dress him in something.

"I am going to give Rikku her magic lesson," Lulu said.

_Wonderful_, thought Seymour. _Give the brat even more power that she should not have. _

"I need someone to watch my dolls for me while I am gone," Lulu continued. "They make Wakka nervous, and they do not care for Auron. That leaves you. It's a relatively simple task. So?"

"I do not have any real choice in the matter, do I?"

"Not really." Lulu gave a low whistle. A mob of dolls—moogles, cait siths, moombas, cactuars, and a few that Seymour didn't readily recognize—hopped towards them. They gathered around Lulu's skirt, their shiny eyes gazing up ay her. "They occasionally grow restless. If that is the case, there are many ways to soothe them. Singing, petting them, amusing them...they're like small children. I will be back in a couple of hours. Come on, Rikku."

"Coming!" Rikku ran haphazardly after Lulu, nearly tripping over the pants. "Have fun, Seymour!" As she waved to him, she accidentally pressed the shock button on Calhoun. "Whoopsie! Sorry about that!"

Seymour watched them go, rubbing his neck. Then he turned to the dolls, which were staring up at him with blank misgiving. Lulu certainly had a lot of them. Seymour could identify each of their attributes: Silencestrike, Icetouch, more defense, more health, Alchemy, more... His lips curled into a smile. More magic. He didn't know how much power Calhoun had to exert to keep his magic under control. Perhaps a tiny bit more would be enough to push it over its limit. 5% more—or better, 10%. He leaned down to pick up a Magical Mog that offered a 10% magic increase. It hopped away from him. Seymour reached again. Still the moogle avoided him.

"Get back here," he ordered it. It shook its head. "Now." A Raging Cactuar hopped in front of the Magical Mog. "Not you. Out of the way."

With a high-pitched battle cry, the cactuar launched itself at Seymour, bouncing off his chest. Seymour backed up in surprise. The Raging Cactuar was quickly followed by a Water Moomba, which left a spot of dampness where it hit with its Waterstrike. Then came a cait sith, which apparently had Poisontouch since Seymour felt a sting on his arm. Soon there came an onslaught of moogles, one after the other, hurling themselves at him en masse. Seymour was knocked over. The dolls increased their attack with little squeaks of anger. He could not get up. They piled upon him, covering him, keeping him down, blocking out the light...

Wakka wandered by and saw a tall pile of dolls with two spears of blue hair sticking out. He paused questioningly. "Seymour?"

As if in answer a quivering hand burst through the pile, grasping at the air. Wakka went over and grabbed it. Seymour emerged gasping from the pile, pulling himself out so he was free from the chest up.

Wakka guffawed long and hard at the sight of the former maester submerged beneath the innocent-looking dolls. Seymour glowered at him "Sorry," Wakka apologized, clutching his sides. "Whoa, she got you _good!_ I almost feel bad for you. I had to watch those things once. How long you in for?"

"She said a couple of hours," Seymour replied.

"Good luck," said Wakka. "Just don't make 'em mad, ya?"

"I shall try," Seymour said with disdain as Wakka left. Bracing his arms, he dislodged himself from the mass of dolls one leg at a time. He regarded them with cold apprehension. They stared unblinkingly back.

This staring contest continued for nearly half an hour, at which point it was interrupted by a Wicked Cait Sith whacking one of the strength- increasing moogles. A tussle ensued.

"Stop that." Seymour reached down to break them up, but by this point the moogle had accidentally whacked a cactuar. It set off a domino effect. Now there was a massive, old-time-hockey brawl going between all the dolls. Seymour separated one dueling pair only to find a new one forming. "Cease this!" he commanded them. They didn't listen. Seymour was reaching the end of his short fuse. He took a deep breath and snarled, _"STOP IT!"_

His tone startled the dolls into stopping. There was silence for a moment. Then, in unison, the dolls burst out crying. It was easily the most annoying cacophony Seymour had ever heard. High, squeaky wailing... It was painful to listen to. He covered his ears. "Be quiet, be quiet. Please." They showed no sign of stopping. What had Lulu said to do? Amuse them. This was not something Seymour was accustomed to doing. But if it would make them stop, he was going to try.

Funny faces. Simple-minded things were supposed to enjoy that. Seymour contorted his face. "Look! Look at me!" he yelled at the dolls around his protruding tongue.

The dolls took one look at him and began to cry even harder.

Seymour groaned. The whining, the hideous whining! How could he make it stop? Had Lulu said anything else? He remembered her mentioning singing. This was also not a normal activity for him. But anything would be better than an hour and a half of this torture. What could he sing? He first thought of the Hymn of the Fayth. But that may be unwise, seeing as he was an unsent. So he opened his mouth and sang the second thing that came to mind:

_"Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight   
Gonna grab some afternoon delight..."_

Seymour had no idea where this hideous song came from. The far recesses of his mind, he hoped. But it had the desired effect: the dolls all stopped crying and listened to him. The only problem was that now he had to sing the rest of the song. Well, he supposed it was better than hearing them whine. He put some gusto into it and continued on. The dolls clustered around him and began swaying in rhythm.

After he finished the song, he stopped. The dolls instantly began crying again. He tried singing another song—any other song—but they would only stop for _Afternoon Delight_. And so he sang it six and a half times. Gradually the dolls fell asleep leaning on him. Once the last one was out, Seymour realized he was very tired himself. He dropped his head and fell asleep without Calhoun's help.


	4. Meet the Parents

DISCLAIMER: Finally, an update! I apologize for my delayed-ness. Blame final exams. And Paradise Lost, which I've been stuck in for the past few weeks. But I think this chapter's longer than the others, so hopefully that makes up for it.  
Thank you again to all readers, especially reviewers, who are delightful confidence-boosters.  
Oh, right, the actual disclaimer. I still don't own any of the characters in Final Fantasy X, or the song _Afternoon Delight_. Now, here we go.  
  
)(  
  
"Rewind it, Rikku. I wanna see him get tackled again," Wakka said, his eyes streaming with tears.  
Rikku obliged and played back the sphere she had made that afternoon. Unbeknownst to Seymour, she had recorded his experience with the dolls for posterity. She supposed it was a little mean. But it was so _funny!_  
Even Lulu was smiling, patting the incendiary Raging Cactuar. "Now you see why I was so amused when I let you watch the dolls, Wakka."  
Depending on the individual, the three of them began cracking up or quietly chuckling when the sphere image of Seymour began making faces at the sobbing moogles. Only Auron sat stoically. Rikku noticed this.  
"Aww, Auron. Lighten up."  
Auron took a swig of sake. "No. I will grant that having a bit of fun with Seymour was fine. But this has become silly."  
"So? Silly is fun!" Rikku glanced back at the sphere. "Ooo, this is my favorite part! _Skyyyyy rockets in flight/ Afternoon delight_...!" she sang along loudly before dissolving into giggles.  
Auron scowled at her. "This is ridiculous. You're treating him as though he's some sort of fun pet. You forget that he has tried to destroy Spira and may well be capable of it. So long as he remains unsent, he is a threat." He now had everyone's attention. "We are going to go find Yuna and have her send him."  
"But Auron!" Rikku protested. "I've got him under control!"  
"What happens if you lose Calhoun? Or it malfunctions?"  
"It can't. Not all the way. If the magic nullifier fails, I can still put him to sleep."  
"I don't trust that." Auron rose. "We'll call the airship tomorrow. Then we'll head to Luca to look for Yuna. If she, Tidus, and Kimahri aren't there, we'll head to Besaid."  
"That's not fair to Yunie, though!" Rikku protested. "She needs a vacation. She's earned it!"  
"And what would Yuna think if she knew that we were harboring a powerful unsent without telling her?" Auron asked. "You know her, Rikku; she would feel guilty for being away."  
Rikku sighed. Auron was right; her cousin always took the responsibilities of the world upon herself. "Fine," she relented. "I don't guess the sending would take too long. But after that, you have to let her rest."  
"Agreed," said Auron. He then addressed the group. "Get ready, everyone. We leave as soon as Cid gets here."  
"You plan to bring a half-Guado maester aboard an Al Bhed airship?" Lulu arched an eyebrow.  
Rikku had not thought about her father's reaction to Seymour. She began to giggle. Well, she though, this ought to be an interesting trip...  
  
)(  
  
Seymour boarded the large airship reluctantly. He wondered at the irony. He, a Guado and a master, was riding on a flying chunk of Al Bhed machina. True, his followers had used some machina themselves, and machina devices were even found in Bevelle's temple, but the teachings still forbade objects such as this. Seymour also recognized this particular ship. It had destroyed the wyrm Evrae. It had also crashed his wedding. Well, that may have been for the better. Had the marriage gone through, there was a good chance that Yuna would've sent him in his sleep. But there was also a chance that he would have been stronger than her, and would have been able to harness what power she wielded.  
Seymour's reverie was interrupted by the entrance of a rough, bald, middle-aged man. He wore the standard Al Bhed jumpsuit—which appeared to fit him comfortably, Seymour noted—and a pair of goggles. "How's my girl?"  
"Dad!" Rikku skipped over and hugged him. Seymour was startled. That man was Rikku's father? He failed to see a resemblance. "Where's Brother?"  
"Blitzball," the man replied. Seymour cringed inwardly. The girl had a brother, too? Hopefully he took after his father in demeanor. "You might see him. Aren't you all headed to Luca?"  
"Yes," Auron replied. "Sorry if we gave short notice, Cid, but it's important."  
"Not a problem," Cid said dismissively. His voice reminded Seymour of a cowboy's. "Anything for my daughter's friends and my niece's guardians. What's so important, anyway?"  
Auron glanced at Rikku. "Why don't you explain it to him?"  
Rikku went over to Seymour and led him into the cabin by the arm. "This is Seymour."  
Cid scowled and turned a fuming shade of red. "I know who he is. He's that damned Guado half-breed that kidnapped Yuna and tried to make him marry her. Not to mention destroying our Home!"  
"Ah, yes. I'd forgotten about that," Seymour said. "But as I recall, it was your own missiles that destroyed it."  
A shock longer and more painful than any he had yet experienced jolted around the collar. He turned to see Rikku, her green eyes blazing, holding Calhoun's shock button.  
"_Cyo oui'na cunno_!" she said angrily.  
Seymour didn't know a word of Al Bhed. "What?"  
"Say you're sorry!"  
"No."  
Rikku wordlessly jammed the button as far down as it would go. The electricity increased and began to cause sharp, stabbing pains in Seymour's head as well as his neck.  
"All right," Seymour gasped. "I'm sorry."  
"Say it in Al Bhed."  
"No!"  
"Say it!"  
"I don't know how."  
"_E's cunno_," she said slowly.  
Seymour made himself form the heathen syllables. "_E's cunno_."  
At once the shock ceased. Rikku put Calhoun into her pocket. "Good."  
Cid was staring. "Rikku, what was that thing?"  
"A power nullifier/ sleep inducer/ shock collar," she replied. "It makes it so he really can't do much of anything."  
"Did you make it?"  
"Yup. Calhoun the great nullifier."  
"That's impressive, Rikku," said Cid. "I'm proud of you. Will you show me how it works?"  
"Sure!" she nodded. She turned to the others. "You guys just make yourselves at home. Um...I guess just stick Seymour in one of your rooms. If he's any trouble, come get me."  
"All right," Lulu nodded. She glanced at Seymour, an uncharacteristic glimmer of mischief in her red eyes. "Shall I place you with the dolls?"  
Seymour couldn't help but shudder. "Dear gods _no_."  
Laughing, the other three led him unceremoniously to one of the spare rooms on the airship. After depositing their belongings—minus the dolls—they left and locked the door behind them.  
After testing the door—which he had suspected would be pointless before he started—Seymour sat down on the narrow bed and stared out the window. The airship seemed to move very slowly as it made its way leagues above the water, though Seymour knew it was covering miles every minute. He wasn't sure how he felt about the airship's speed. The faster they went, the sooner they would arrive in Luca, and the sooner he would be sent. On the other hand, Luca was a major population center. If he could get away, he would be able to find help from those who remained loyal to Bevelle. He also might be able to find someone with technical prowess to remove Calhoun.  
After an hour or so of enjoying the silence, Seymour became astonishingly bored. The view of the ocean became old. Meditation was impossible because he kept having to pop his ears every few seconds due to the altitude. He wasn't sleepy after all the forced naps Rikku imposed upon him. He finally resorted to seeing how many times he could dribble Wakka's blitzball on his knees. He had made it to 26 without stopping when the door slid open.  
Rikku stuck her head in. "Watcha doing?"  
"Attempting to amuse myself with inane activities." He continued dribbling.  
"Is it working?"  
"No."  
Rikku came over and snatched the ball away in midair. "We're eating lunch now. Up!"  
She grabbed his arm and trotted down the corridor to the dining area, dragging him behind her. She plunked him down at the table so that he was across from Auron and between Rikku and Wakka. Cid and Lulu flanked Auron. Seymour noticed Cid scowling at him out of the corner of his eye, but only for a moment.  
"It's nice to have some food that isn't flame-broiled, ya?" Wakka said around a mouthful of something. "Mm! This pasta's great! What sauce is this?"  
"Family recipe, "said Rikku as she swallowed. She noticed that Seymour hadn't touched his plate. "Try some, Seymour."  
He didn't particulary trust any food that was created by the Al Bhed, particularly the clan that had spawned _her_. "No, thank you."  
"C'mon, it's good!" She twirled some noodles around her chopsticks and brandished them at him. "See? Try it."  
He turned away. "No." Why did she pester him so?  
She began waving the chopsticks in front of his face. "Here comes the airship!" she said in a singsong voice. "Open wide..."  
Seymour turned back around in confusion. "What are you doi—"  
"Zoom!" Rikku cut him off mid-word by shoving the noodles into his open mouth. "There! How do you like it?"  
It was really quite good, but Seymour chewed and swallowed as though it disgusted him. "Adequate," he said with disdain. He saw Cid scowling at him again. Seymour didn't care. Cid could scowl all he wanted.  
"Oops, got some sauce on your mouth," said Rikku. She picked up her napkin. "Want me to get it for you?"  
"Rikku," Auron said sternly. "Stop."  
Cid stopped scowling and turned to Auron. "Is she like this a lot?"  
Auron nodded, taking a drink of the soda set before him, which was the first nonalcoholic drink he'd had in awhile. "She treats him as though he is her pet."  
"Do _not_."  
Auron ignored Rikku's interruption and continued. "It's ridiculous. Perhaps you will have more success than I in getting her to stop this behavior."  
"I'll talk to her," said Cid, but his scowl was on Seymour.  
They finished lunch without further incident. Seymour rose and began to exit the room.  
"Hold on, Guado," Cid ordered. "I want to have a word with you. You go on ahead, Rikku," he said in response to the girl's questioning look.  
The room cleared, leaving Seymour and Cid alone. "What do you want?" Seymour asked contemptuously.  
"I'll tell you what I want." Cid stomped up to Seymour. "I want you to keep away from my daughter!"  
"So do I, and gladly," said Seymour. "But I am not able to do so."  
"Don't give me that crap," Cid barked. "Let me tell you something. I don't care what she thinks of you. I don't like you, and if I see you so much as touch her—"  
Realization hit Seymour like a Calhoun shock. "You think that I have feelings for Rikku?"  
"Yeah. And not respectable ones, either."  
For a moment Seymour just sat there blinking. The very idea that he would be interested in the little brat for any reason was so absurd that he was not sure whether he was appalled or amused. The latter won out and he began laughing. "You fool. Where did you get that idea?"  
"Don't play dumb with me," Cid growled. "I've seen how you're always making eyes at her."  
"Making eyes?" Seymour repeated. Was Cid referring to the murderous glares he directed at Rikku when she ordered him around? "You mistake hatred for flirtation."  
"—And just now you let her feed you," Cid continued.  
"Again, I had no choice in the matter," Seymour said. "Do you honestly believe, old man, that I enjoy being dragged about, forced to play games, and undressed—"  
"_She undressed you_?!" Cid exploded.  
"I was asleep!" Seymour snapped back. "I had nothing to do with it!"  
Cid wasn't listening. "What, you couldn't get my niece to marry you, so you're moving through the family tree to my daughter?!"  
"No!" This was insulting. "I have no interest in her, nor will I ever!"  
Cid scowled again. "Why? What's wrong with her?" he demanded.  
"She is loud, idiotic, childish, incorrigible, and easily the single most irritating individual I have ever encountered. I would sooner be sent to the Farplane than have anything to do with that chipper little monster whom you sired!"  
"Oh, so she's not good enough for you, is that it?" Cid shot back. "Well let me tell you something, you piece of Guado scum. Rikku could do a hell of a lot better than you any day of the week, so where do you get off rejecting her? You should be begging her to look at you!"  
Seymour was flabbergasted. "What is _wrong_ with you? First you forbid me to look at her, and now you tell me that I should court her on bended knee?"  
"Don't try changing the subject!"  
"_I_ change the subject? You're the one who's completely reversed the argument!" Seymour threw up his hands. "I don't know why I'm wasting my time with this discussion. Pick whichever answer you wish to hear from me. I'm done here." Seymour turned and strode briskly out the door.  
"Don't you walk away from me, young man!" Cid ordered. Seymour ignored him. Cid took a swig of soda from a leftover glass and sighed.   
"Why does she always have to pick the odd ones?"

)(

(A/N) Umm, in case anyone was wondering and getting grossed out: anything between Seymour and Rikku other than intense mutual dislike exists only inside of Cid's paranoid head. The purpose of this section is to increase the poor ickle maester's discomfort, which he brought upon himself by being such a pest on Gagazet.


	5. Makeover!

DISCLAIMER: Augh! I'm sorry. I've been very slow to update the past couple of times. I shall do better now that school's out. Thank you to everyone who's stuck with this story.  
Okey-dokey, here we go. I do not own Final Fantasy X. Or the intriguing outfits of male rockers from the 70's, such as Robert Plant and Jimi Hendrix. How anyone can physically wear pants like that is beyond me...  
  
)(  
  
Seymour stormed out of the dining room and nearly tripped over the convulsed form of Rikku, who sat huddled with her ear pressed against the door. The blond Al Bhed was laughing hysterically, tears streaming from her eyes.  
Seymour glowered. "Did you hear all that?"  
Rikku, unable to speak through her giggles, simply nodded.  
"As though I don't have enough to deal with already," he muttered, half to himself and half to Rikku. "Your idiot father has to add further insult to injury."  
Rikku took a deep breath and got herself under control. "Yeah, Dad's kinda crazy. But lighten up, Seymour. You thought it was funny, too. I heard you laughing."  
"Yes, laughing at the preposterousness of it. It is still insulting."  
"I wonder where Dad got that idea from," Rikku mused.  
"You wonder?" Seymour wheeled on her. "Think! What did Auron tell you? You treat me like a pet! Perhaps you don't know this, but changing the clothes of others is not, in this world, considered normal!"  
"Oh! Clothes!" Rikku snapped her fingers. "That reminds me. I finished your outfit late yesterday. Wanna try it on?"  
Seymour had qualms about the sort of outfit Rikku would devise for him, but he was tired of wearing Wakka's pants. They were too short for him. And at least this new ensemble was made of his old outfit.  
"Fine," he told her.  
"Great! Follow me!" Rikku grabbed his arm and dragged him down the corridor. "I was actually able to make a couple of different things for you, since there was so much fabric," she said as they walked. "I was kinda sad to see the parachute pants go. But they're yours, not mine. I think you'll like 'em. They're really cool, if I do say so myself. I based it off some of the Zanarkand things Tidus told me about."  
Seymour's misgivings increased.  
Rikku led him into her room—or Seymour assumed it was her room, considering the chipper manner in which it was decorated and the large amounts of girlish accessories strewn about the floor. She opened a closet and took out three articles of clothing whose color Seymour recognized.  
"Here's one," she said, thrusting them at him. "Want some help?"  
"I can change my own clothes, thanks," he snapped.  
"Geez, just asking." Rikku rolled her eyes. "Call me when you're done."  
She left the room and shut the door behind her. Seymour held up the first: a pair of pants. He recognized them to be made of his billowy blue pants and aquamarine sash. They were unusually shaped: thin at the tops of the legs, and flared wide at the bottom. They were mostly blue, save for jagged aquamarine strips down the outer seam of each leg. They didn't look so bad, Seymour supposed. He shuffled out of the blitz pants and pulled the new ones on. They didn't quite reach his waist—they sat around his hips, actually—and felt rather...tight. Still, he supposed they were bearable.  
Next he lifted the shirt. This was made of his long-sleeved red shirt that he wore under his robes. It was essentially unchanged, except dark blue trim had been added and the center of the shirt consisted of the gold netting he'd worn over his pants. He pulled the shirt on. It too was tight in all areas but the sleeves. The third piece of clothing was a belt, also made of the gold netting. He strung it through the designated loops on the pants, wondering what purpose it served since it didn't seem to be adding in the support of the pants. "Finished," he called to Rikku.  
She entered. "How do they fit?"  
"They're a bit tight—"  
"They're supposed to be that way." She stood back to scrutinize him. "They look good. I'm proud of myself. You don't look like a balloon anymore."  
"Let me see."  
"Just a second." She frowned. "Something's funny..." Her eyes settle above his head. "Oh, that's it! You're hair!"  
"What's wrong with my hair?" he demanded.  
"You look like a blue moose-man."  
"I most certainly do not!"  
"I think I'm going to have to cut it," Rikku said.  
"No! I refuse," Seymour said vehemently. "You are not cutting my hair."  
"It's in your best interest, y'know," she said. "It's not everyone who has a blue hat rack growing out of their head. People in Luca are bound to recognize you if you keep your hair. And you're not exactly the most popular guy right now, what with the murder, and the corruption, and the plots to destroy the world and all."  
"What do I care what the common people think of me?" Seymour asked. "The worst they could do is kill me, and that's been done. And my hair does not look like a hat rack."  
"Also," Rikku continued, "I'll zap you if you don't let me. Or cut it in your sleep."  
Seymour realized there was no escape. "Fine," he said bitterly.  
"Great! Now sit here." Rikku moved some debris to reveal a swivel chair. Seymour complied. "I'll get some scissors."  
Seymour smiled to himself. Scissors were not going to work.  
He was instantly proven right. Rikku seized his bangs in one hand and attacked them with the scissors. The scissors clamped fruitlessly onto his hair and promptly bent.  
Rikku held the defunct scissors up in astonishment. Geez, what's your hair made of?"  
Seymour chuckled at her bewilderment. "It's hair. But remember, the horns of Behemoths and many other horned creatures are made of tightly packed hair."  
"So you have horns," Rikku said. "Told ya you were a moose. Hmm. I better bring in the big guns for this. Wait here."  
Seymour busied himself by looking through Rikku's clutter. He was soon startled by a loud revving noise. He whirled to see Rikku standing in the doorway, wearing her goggles and holding what looked very much like—  
"Is that a chainsaw?" Seymour yelled over the noise.  
Rikku nodded and motioned for him to sit.  
"I'm not letting you near my head with that!"  
Rikku pointed the vibrating blade at him. "Don't disobey the girl with the chain saw!"  
Seymour sat down. He did not show it, but he was very nervous. He was no longer alive, so he didn't have to worry about being killed. But a chainsaw through the face would still be quite painful.  
Rikku came up on his right side and began work on that spiky tendril of hair. The blade met the hair with a shrieking sound, as of metal on stone. Seymour was oddly pleased to note that sparks were emitted. At once the screeching stopped and something thunked to the floor. The right side of Seymour's head now felt much lighter. Rikku proceeded to Seymour's left and repeated the process. Once that was done, she came around to his bangs. Seymour couldn't help but wince as the chainsaw hovered inches from his face. He could feel heat from its movement. Luckily, Rikku elected to shorten his bangs, not remove them entirely, thereby reducing the chance of an accidental lobotomy.  
Rikku clicked the saw off and removed her goggles. "Whew! All done!" She stood back to admire her handiwork. "Hey, you look _good_!" she said appreciatively. "You might actually look attractive if you weren't so creepy."  
Was that supposed to be a compliment? Hmph. "Let me see."  
"Certainly." She opened another closet door, revealing a full-length mirror. Seymour walked up and looked at his reflection.  
It was startling. He did not look like a maester at all; and the only evidence of his Guado heritage was his hands. He looked like an unusually tall human. An unusually tall human with a very odd taste in fashion. His pants were indeed very tight until they reached his knees, and sat startlingly low. The shirt clung to him almost like another skin, save for the billowing sleeves. The open area of the netting bared his chest and tattoos.  
"I look disturbing," he said slowly. "Why are my clothes so tight?"  
"Because it's cool!" Rikku said. "You look like a rock star or something!"  
Seymour did not find this to be a good thing. "Where are the other things you made for me?"  
"Here." Rikku fished around in the closet and tossed him another shirt. This one was essentially his maestoral robe, but it had been shortened and fit to his figure. (He wondered how Rikku had gotten his measurements. She'd probably gotten them while he was asleep—a troubling proposition.) Also, the sleeves of the robe had been cut off and one clasp inserted on the front. Seymour took the red shirt off and pulled on the robe thing. It came to about his knees. The clasp fastened around the base of his ribs, baring as much skin as the red shirt had.  
"Did you make any shirts that actually close in the front?" he asked. "I am not an exhibitionist."  
"It shows off the tattoos, which on anyone else would be extremely cool. On you, they're creepy. Like the rest of you," Rikku said. "But it's how the rock guys wear 'em. The open shirt-ness goes with the rest of the look. And anyway," she added, "you were practically shirtless in your old outfit, too."  
"Touché," Seymour said grudgingly.  
"Well, pick the shirt you like best and come on," Rikku said. "I want to show the others!" Seymour put the red shirt back on and was dragged out the door once again.  
They had not taken two steps when they literally bumped into Cid.  
"Hi, Dad!" Rikku greeted him.  
Cid scowled in his trademark way. "Did you two just come from your room?"  
"Yeah," Rikku said innocently. "Something wrong with that?"  
"Just _what_ were you doing in there?" Cid fixed his stare on Seymour more than Rikku. "And why is his hair smaller? And how come he's dressed like that?"  
"Oh, I gave him a makeover," Rikku said cheerfully. "It was kinda hard to get him into the pants, but I managed...Dad? Dad, is something wrong?"  
Cid had turned an unearthly shade of puce and was sputtering incoherently.  
"Well, see you later, Dad. C'mon, Seymour." Rikku nonchalantly led Seymour down the hall, past the fuming Cid. Once they were around the corner, Rikku burst into giggles. "Ooo, that was fun!"  
"_Fun_?" Seymour hissed. "_Fun_?! Do you not remember the previous conversation with him?"  
"Of course I remember," Rikku said through her laughter. "That's why it's fun!"  
Seymour clenched his teeth. The girl was a master at making trouble for him. "I will strangle you one day," he growled.  
"Maybe." Rikku shrugged and grinned. "But you have to live through my dad first!"  
  
)(  
  
Yeah, that was sort of a random place to cut off, but I had to put something in there that didn't revolve around clothes. Hopefully the next installment will improve...stay tuned!


	6. Lycomedes, Blitzer

DISCLAIMER: Bad, bad! (_bonks self with inflatable baseball bat_) I've been immensely slow to update. I'll do better! Promise! And I apologize in advance to anyone who detests blitzball.  
  
I don't own FFX. They belong to Squaresoft, or Square Enix, or whatever they call themselves.  
  
)(  
  
Mercifully, they landed in Luca early the next day. Seymour had had quite enough of Cid scowling at him suspiciously, and of Rikku cheerfully worsening the situation by relating things in the most wrong-sounding way imaginable. The closest thing Seymour had to an ally was Auron, who frowned on Rikku's perceived immaturity. However, even Auron was caught grinning slightly at the sight of Rikku, intent upon making Seymour as glam rock as possible, chasing the former maester down the bridge with makeup. Seymour had emerged from that episode looking like a flamboyant, glittery clown. Luckily for him, Rikku was terrified of clowns and had removed the makeup promptly.

The worst Seymour had to put up with in Luca were more schemes from Rikku and snickers from Wakka and Lulu. And on Luca there was a chance he could ditch them and get lost in the crowd. Rikku's makeover backfired that way—he now blended in with the crowd and would be that much harder to find. Of course, Rikku could always put him to sleep. But if he got far enough away from her, he could wake up before she found him and keep going. All he had to do was wait for an opening...

"Okay, who's going where?" Wakka asked the group. "I wanna catch a blitzball game. And, y'know, Tidus might be at the stadium. "

_Yes_, Seymour though to himself. _Have your fun. Split up_.

"I will go check the hotels," Lulu offered. "Ronsos are not commonplace. Any concierge would remember Kimahri."  
  
_Yes, that makes perfect sense. Spread out. Go your separate ways..._  
  
"Hold on," Auron interrupted. "No matter where we go, we all go together."  
  
_Damn you!  
_  
"We can cover more ground if we separate," Wakka said.

"True. But what good does it do to have Yuna in one place and Seymour in another?"

"You're right," Lulu said. "Then where do we begin?"

"Blitz," Wakka said emphatically. "If the Aurochs play today, there's no way Tidus and Yuna would miss it. And if the team's not playing, they'd at least have seen them at some point, ya?"

"Yeah," Rikku nodded. "And I want to visit Brother, too."

Seymour felt his eye twitch. _Wonderful. More overprotective male relatives._

"Then it's settled. Blitzball it is." Lulu smiled halfway. "So long as Wakka does not decide to regain his lost blitzball glory..."

"No way!" Wakka shook his head. "I'm retired. And anyway, I want my triumphant comeback to be the most spectacular thing the stadium's ever seen, ya? Gotta practice first!"

Lulu chuckled as Wakka flexed his arms overdramatically. "I suppose so." Seymour noticed Rikku watching this exchange with immense interest.

"Come then," Auron said. "We go to the stadium."  
  
)(   
  
"Women afoot," Lulu called into the Aurochs' locker room after knocking.

"Hey, Lulu! Just a sec!" a voice answered. Seymour heard a flurry of movements from behind the closed door as the team scrambled to make themselves decent. "Come in!"

The group entered the locker room to find five members of the Besaid Aurochs lounging in their blitz pants. The nearest one, a dark-skinned man with blond hair, waved at them in greeting. "Wakka, Lulu, how you guys doing?"

"We're fine, Jassu." Wakka gripped Jassu's hand in greeting.

"We weren't expecting you," said a bearded, brown-haired Auroch. "What brings you to Luca?"

"We're looking for Yuna," Wakka replied. "She's on vacation with Tidus and Kimahri. You seen them?"

"Ya, just a few days ago," said a pale, bald Auroch with a green headband. "Tidus played for us the last couple of games. Too bad the kid can't play full-time."

"Especially now," a redheaded Auroch added. "We lost that Ronso we got during the tournament. Signed on with the Glories a couple weeks ago, after his contract ran out. We've been trying to sign someone new, but no luck."

"We got a game today against the Luca Goers," said the last Auroch, a rotund man with short brown hair. He looked pleadingly at Wakka. "D'you think you could maybe—"

"Keepa, no. I'm _retired_, guys. You know how long it's been since I practiced?"

"That doesn't matter," said Jassu. "We just need a sixth guy so we can play. And you were always better than us, Wakka. Even out of shape you can't be too bad." "I dunno—"

"Pleeeeeease?" The team gazed at him pleadingly, trying to look as pitiful as possible. Wakka started caving.

"Well, Wakka," Lulu said with a small smile. "You heard them. It looks like your triumphant comeback is happening sooner than expected."

Wakka groaned and drooped his shoulders. "All right, all right, I'll play." The Aurochs cheered. "But only for this one game!" They promptly signed him to a one-game contract.

"Do the Psyches have a game today?" Rikku asked. "Nah, don't think so," said the clad Auroch. "Why? Do you follow blitzball much?"

"Not avidly, but my brother plays for the Psyches. Blond guy with a Mohawk."

"Hey, I know him!" said the bearded Auroch. "That guy's your brother? He's fast. A real pain to catch."

"Oh, he's a real pain in everything else he does, too," Rikku said. "Try going for his left side next time. He's got a honking bruise on his ribs and it apparently really hurts when you touch it."

"Rikku, why're you plotting against your own brother?" Wakka laughed as he stretched.

"Because he's my brother!" Rikku explained. "It's what siblings do! And he owes me money."

"Hey, who's the tall guy?" The ponytailed Auroch pointed at Seymour.

"This is my friend Lycomedes," Rikku replied, pulling Seymour forward.

"He looks kinda familiar," said Keepa. "Does he blitz or something?"

"He's not bad," Wakka said. "I started teaching him the other day. Caught on quick."

"Would you be interested in playing for the Aurochs?" Jassu asked.

"No, no, I'm afraid he has obligations already," Rikku said before Seymour could answer. "He's joining the Crusaders."

"That's fine," Jassu said in understanding. "They need people now, especially after what happened at Mi'hen."

Everyone nodded somberly, remembering that failed attempt at defeating Sin. Seymour nodded too, but smiled to himself at the memory.

"You guys can go find seats in the stadium," the redhead told them. "The game starts in half an hour."  
  
)(  
  
The Aurochs and Goers were tied 3—3 at halftime. Wakka had done amazingly well, considering how long it had been since he'd played, and had assisted on all three Auroch goals. The girls were both very into the game, particularly Lulu. Seymour had not suspected the reticent black mage to be capable of such energy. She was as easily as loud as Rikku.

The two men, on the other hand, were not enjoying themselves. Auron thought it was pointless to sit and watch an entire blitzball game when Yuna's group was obviously not in the stands. He was all for leaving Wakka at the stadium and continuing the search with the remaining members of the party. He was even willing to allow Lulu to watch the game. However, Rikku had protested and pointed out that Auron had been the one who insisted that they all stay together. The elder guardian was stuck.

Seymour was simply bored out of his mind. He'd never liked watching blitzball, not even as a child. It was mildly interesting if he was an active participant, but that was all. Also, he was certain that he could do a much better job than the current players, who were making quite a few stupid mistakes. Seymour had been ecstatic when the horn sounded, thinking the game was over. He was dismayed when Lulu informed him that there was still another half left to play. Barring a massive onslaught of fiends or a Sin attack, there was nothing for him to look forward to.

The Aurochs won the faceoff and began zipping towards the Goer goal. Wakka got a pass, reeled back, and shot the ball hard. The keeper barely got a hand on it, but it was enough to deflect the ball into Goer hands. Now it was their turn to paddle doggedly towards their respective goal. Seymour found all of this exceedingly repetitive. The ball-carrying Goer darted around Jassu and the bald Auroch and shot the ball in an arc. Keepa dove to block it. A Goer leaped to catch the ball at the same time. The two collided, and something crunched. Keepa didn't get back up.

The officials stopped play. The Aurochs huddled worriedly around their fallen goaltender. From the looks of things, Keepa was injured. Two of his teammates helped him back to the locker room. Jassu said something to Wakka. Wakka frowned, but then nodded and motioned an official to come over. As he spoke, he gestured at the stands. After thinking for a moment, the official nodded and gave Wakka some parting words. Wakka swam towards the stands. As he reached the edge of the water, he gathered his energy and rocketed through the surface.

He landed semi-gracefully in front of Lulu. "Hey, Lu. Enjoying yourself?"

"Good game so far, Wakka," she replied. "What happened to Keepa?"

"He broke his wrist," Wakka said. "He'll be fine, but he's done for this game."

"So what does that mean?" Auron asked.

"Well, we forfeit if we don't have a sub. And even if we did have a sub, none of us is any good in goal. But we were thinking, maybe..." He looked at Seymour.

Seymour made a face. "Absolutely not."

"Please? You're really not bad at goal. And we'll have to forfeit if you don't."

"What do I care? I have no stock in this silly game. I don't want to be here. In fact, I would be glad to see you forfeit, because then we could leave."

"It pains me to say so, but I agree with Seymour," said Auron. "We're wasting time by staying here. The Aurochs can take a loss."

Wakka took umbrage at Auron's statement. "Maybe _you_ should take a loss, ya?"

"Why don't we ask Rikku?" Lulu suggested. "She is the one who ultimately has jurisdiction here. Rikku, what do you want to do?"

"Why bother asking her?" Seymour grumbled. "She will make me play because she knows I don't want to play. And she likes this sport."

"Took the words right out of my mouth," Rikku said with a grin. "Go suit up."

Wakka slung an arm around Seymour's shoulder and led him to the locker room. "Welcome to the Aurochs, 'Lycomedes.'"

Seymour pulled on the pair of spare blitz pants that came closest to fitting him. He also signed a one-game contract with the Aurochs under the name Rikku had bestowed upon him. When the formalities were taken care of, Wakka took him back to the playing ground. "You can swim, right?" he asked as an afterthought. "I guess it's too late to do anything about it if you can't." They both entered the water.

"Yes, I can. What is it you expect from me?"

"See that triangle over there?" Wakka spoke slowly, as though he was explaining something to a small child. "You stay in front of it and make sure that the ball doesn't go in."

"I know that," Seymour snapped. "Anything else?"

"When you throw it back, throw it so our guys can get it."

Wakka left Seymour in the goal and went to take the faceoff. He won it and, through some tricky maneuvering, managed to score. 4—3, Aurochs. He lost the next faceoff. Seymour was faced with four Goers barreling towards him with the Aurochs in pursuit. The ball carrier was tackled, but still managed to complete a pass to a wide-open teammate. She shot it at the goal.

"You call that defense?" Seymour demanded. He angrily punched the ball, sending it whizzing torpedo-like to the other end. The Goer goaltender caught it in the breadbasket, but was knocked into the goal by the force of impact. Seymour noted the awed looks of the Aurochs and the shaken looks of the Goers with satisfaction. Perhaps this game had some entertainment value for him.

Play stopped for five minutes as the officials tried to determine whether Seymour had scored a goal or not. The goaltender had stopped the shot, but the ball had still entered the goal. They ruled that the goal stood, and the Auroch supporters cheered. The Goers and their fans were livid. 5—3, Aurochs.

The game resumed, and the Goers again won the faceoff. Again they made their way to the goal almost unfettered, and again Seymour had to make a save. This time he kicked the ball. It didn't go in the goal, but it did break the water's surface and hurtle skyward for some time before returning in-bounds. Wakka gained possession for the Aurochs but was triple-teamed by Goer defenders. He somehow managed a pass, but its recipient bobbled it. _Had they been this awful in the first half?_ Seymour wondered. The Goers rounded back to make another run at the goal. Seymour blocked it.

This trend of Wakka receiving little support, the Goers traipsing into the Auroch zone, and Seymour blocking their shots continued for some time. Seymour was becoming disgusted with his team. Wakka was the only one worth anything. They needed to pick up the slack. The next time the Goers came charging in, Seymour stood perfectly still. When they shot, he moved aside and let the ball through to make the score 5—4. The Aurochs glared at Seymour, who glared back at them unconcernedly.

"Seymour!" came a scolding voice from the stands. Seymour turned to see Rikku holding Calhoun, with Auron and Lulu frantically trying to stop her. Not hearing them, Rikku pressed the button.

Seymour hissed as the shock echoed around his neck. To his surprise, he heard other yelps of pain as well. When the shock had subsided, he looked around the field and saw eleven charred, twitching blitzball players. Seymour realized that the electricity had traveled through the water. He'd built up some measure of resistance, perhaps due in part to his Guado lineage, but the blitzers hadn't. They now floated in limp unconsciousness to the surface, much like dead fish.

Seymour started to laugh long and hard at the spectacle. Behind him, Auron and Lulu yelled at an abashed Rikku. This caused him to laugh even harder. As his sides began to hurt, he saw the blitzball go floating past him. He glanced up at the clock. The clock counted down to the final minute. The game was still on.

Smiling, Seymour grabbed the ball. He lazily swam through the water to the Goers' end. Just before the horn sounded, he flicked the ball into the goal. 6—4, Aurochs.


	7. A Friendly Game of Darts

DISCLAIMER: I do not own FFX or the antiquated custom of the bar brawl.

)(  
  
Wakka and the other Aurochs regained consciousness once a few X- Potions were administered in the locker room. They were ecstatic once they heard that they'd won the game, and Jassu ardently pressured Seymour to forget being a Crusader and becoming a full-time Auroch.  
"No, I'm afraid I cannot," Seymour had replied. "I feel that I must do something to end Spira's suffering."  
The Aurochs had been disappointed, but admired their substitute goaltender's benevolent aspirations. Auron, Lulu, Wakka and Rikku had glared at him, understanding his double meaning.  
"Now that the game is over," Auron said once they were out of the stadium, "can we look for Yuna without any more diversions?"  
"Certainly," said Lulu. "The hotels, then? I doubt that they're still in Luca if Tidus was not at the game, but we should double-check just in case."  
"While we're at it," Wakka interrupted, "shouldn't we check into one? I mean, it's kinda late in the day. We need a place to sleep whether we find them or not, ya?"  
"I suppose," said Auron. "But we'll worry about that later. Finding Yuna is more important. And we can compare rates when we search."  
"Can we spring for a good hotel this once?" Rikku asked. "You always pick the cheapest ones, and they're never any good. We'd be sleeping outside if you had your way. Remember the first night I joined you guys, out at the Moonflow?"  
"Was that the place with the chunky water?" Lulu asked.  
"Nah-uh, that was Mi'hen," said Wakka. "This one had roaches."  
"All right," Auron interrupted. "I get your point. I'll think about it. But now, we search."  
  
Their inquiries of every hotel in Luca took over three hours. Naturally, the very last hotel was the correct one. The odd group containing a young couple and a Ronso had rented two rooms for a week. However, they had checked out the previous day. The concierge recalled the young man mentioning something about taking the ferry to Besaid by way of Kilika.  
Auron was irritated. "You see? If we'd left one day before, we wouldn't have missed them."  
Rikku shrugged. "Well, what's done is done. For now, we need a room. How much do you guys charge?" she asked the desk.  
"2000 gil for a single, 3500 for a double," the concierge replied.  
"See? That's not too bad. And they have a pool and a game room! Can't we stay here, Auron? Pleeeeeeease?" Rikku looked at Auron with wide puppy-dog eyes.  
"What is that face for?"  
"I'm trying to be adorable." She pouted her lips slightly.  
"By dilating your pupils and bulging your lips?" Seymour asked. "You look as though someone punched you in the mouth on your way out of the optometrist's office."  
Wakka laughed in spite of himself. Lulu chuckled quietly behind her sleeve. Even Auron smiled crookedly. Seymour was astonished. He had made them laugh? He had amused them at the expense of someone other than himself?  
Rikku scowled. "Well, it works on my dad!"  
"Isn't your dad farsighted?" Wakka asked with a grin. Everybody but Rikku laughed again.  
"Hey, quit being mean!" Rikku protested. "Are we staying here or not?"  
"All right, we'll stay here." Auron pulled out his wallet. "Two doubles, please."  
"I do not think splitting up and going out into the city would be hazardous, do you, Auron?" Lulu asked.  
"I suppose not," Auron relented. "How are you splitting up?"  
"I don't know. Would you like to go out and find some dinner, Wakka?" Lulu asked.  
"Sure!" Wakka agreed. "Um...anybody else?"  
"Nah, you two go ahead," said Rikku with a smile. "The rest of us will be just fine."  
"Where are you going?" Auron asked Lulu and Wakka.  
"There's this kinda fancy place out by the stadium," Wakka said. "That is, if you want to, Lu..."  
"That sounds fine," Lulu replied. "Lead the way, Wakka."  
The second they'd exited the lobby, Rikku began giggling insanely.  
"And what are you planning on?" Auron asked, so used to the girl's sudden spurts of giggles that he didn't notice them.  
"Oh, I was just gonna wander around," Rikku said. "You know, explore the city and stuff."  
"Am I accompanying you, or is Seymour staying with me?"  
"You're coming with me," Rikku replied. "I mostly wanted to check out the shopping district. It looked like they had tents and stuff set up."  
"That sounds fine," Auron agreed.  
They headed to the nearby shopping district, which was very crowded. Seymour had no desire whatsoever to shop. He had no money with him, after all.  
"If we get separated," Auron told Rikku, "meet back at the hotel lobby. And don't let Seymour wander off, or let your guard down around him. He could strangle you with one hand if he had the chance."  
"Geez, you sound like my grandparents!" Rikku laughed. "You just forgot to mention that if I don't bundle up, I'll catch a lethal disease and die within hours. We're surrounded by people. Even if I couldn't shock him, d'you really think that nobody would notice a person being strangled?"  
They looked at quite a few stalls selling jewelry, hair accessories, and other things that neither Auron nor Seymour had much interest in. Auron eventually immersed himself in a stall selling sunglasses. Seymour gazed longingly at the toy swords in the next stall and wished they were real.  
Suddenly, he felt a tug on his shirt. He looked down and saw Rikku dragging him away.  
"What—"  
"Shh!" She put a finger to her lips. "We're ditching Auron."  
"You are attempting to ditch a legendary guardian?"  
"I've done it before loads of times," she said with a shrug. "Now c'mon!"  
Seymour followed her. He expected them to be stopped by Auron at any moment. However, they made it out of the shopping district and onto the main street without incident. He was somewhat impressed with Rikku. And now he only had one chaperone to deal with.  
"See? Told ya!" Rikku said triumphantly.  
"Where are we going, exactly?" Seymour asked.  
She grinned. "We're going to go spy on Lulu and Wakka."  
Seymour arched an eyebrow. "Why?"  
Rikku launched into a long, detailed explanation that included every hint that she'd seen of their attraction; what Auron, Tidus, Yuna, and Kimahri thought of the matter; the story of Lulu and Wakka and Wakka's brother Chappu, as Rikku heard it from Yuna; how she predicted Wakka would propose; what the wedding would be like; and where they would go on their honeymoon.  
"So you think they like each other," Seymour said fifteen minutes later, once Rikku had finished saying what she thought they ought to name their children.  
"Yep! Haven't I been saying that? Oh, here we are!" They had arrived at the stadium district. Rikku pointed at a nice-looking restaurant on their right.  
"That's where they're eating, I think," Rikku said. "So we're going to spy on them from in there."  
She pointed at a bar to their left, across from the restaurant. It looked questionable in terms of both patronage and cleanliness. Seymour would not have gone in on his own.  
"This?" he asked dubiously.  
"It'll be fine!" she assured him. "My brother said he's been in here before. He said it's a good place as long as you don't antagonize anyone. Oh, and if you order meat, make sure it's the right color. And, um, from the right animal."   
Seymour began to wish that he'd stayed with Auron.   
Rikku led him into the dimly lit bar. It was just as Seymour had expected. The smell of smoke, alcohol, sweat, and a few other unpleasant things hit his nostrils. Loud, incomprehensible music blared from a sphere somewhere. A screen broadcasting a blitzball game was set up above the bar. A pool table and a dartboard stood against the far wall near the bathrooms. The place was crowded with grungy, filthy, menacing individuals—all human with the exception of a grizzled Ronso and a puzzled Hypello—from whom Seymour would just as soon keep his distance. Rikku didn't appear to notice any of this. She cheerfully sat down at a table by the window and whipped out a pair of binoculars.  
Seymour sat across from her. "Aren't the binoculars a bit much?"  
"I want to get a good view," she told him. "Ha! Found them! Let's see...it looks like they're ordering their entrees. They already have drinks. Hey, Wakka said something funny and now they're both laughing. Oh, here comes the waiter. It looks like Lulu's ordering shrimp, but she might've said shrooms, I'm not sure."  
"I doubt that she ordered shrooms," Seymour said. He glanced around. "She would have to come over _here _to order those. And I neither need nor want a running commentary of your observations."  
"Suit yourself," said Rikku without taking her eyes from the binoculars.  
A disgruntled waitress arrived at their table. "You want anything?"  
Rikku put down her binoculars to order. "I'll have a small soda and some nachos."  
The waitress turned to Seymour. "What about you?"  
Seymour was hungry, but remembered what Rikku had said about meat and decided against it. "Just some water for me."  
Once the waitress had left, Rikku resumed her vigil at the window. "They're sharing breadsticks. Aww...Lulu's buttering one for Wakka!"   
Seymour rolled his eyes. "I don't care." She took no notice of his apathy. "Now Wakka's saying something. He's waving his hands around. Is he talking about a boat? HEY! Don't sit there! Move, move! Ah, phooey!" Rikku turned back to the table. "A big group just got seated by the window, and they're blocking my view. All I can see now is the top point of Wakka's hair." She put away her binoculars. "Wanna play darts?"  
Seymour shrugged. "Fine." Throwing pointy things sounded appealing at the moment. He headed over to the dartboard with Rikku.   
A game was already in progress. Rikku tapped one player, an ill-tempered burly man, on the shoulder.   
"'Scuse me!" she said brightly. "Can me and my friend join in?"   
"After this game," he grunted. "We've got two more rounds to go."   
They weren't very good dart throwers, Seymour observed. He could beat them. He suspected that Rikku could beat them as well. Hopefully they were gracious losers.   
The game finished, and Seymour and Rikku were added to the roster. The game was simple: 7 rounds, with 3 darts per person per round. All darts had to be thrown from behind a line on the floor. The one with the most points at the end was the winner.  
There were five other players, two of whom had flaky girlfriends who watched. Rikku and Seymour, being the newest arrivals, went last. It was a good thing, too; true to Seymour's prediction, he and Rikku out-threw everyone by far. Rikku beat him by a small margin.  
"Round one to me!" Rikku cheered. "Top that."  
Seymour smirked at her challenge. "Trust me, I will."  
Round two did go to Seymour, who looked at Rikku triumphantly. "Your turn."  
"Oh, I'm just getting started!"  
At the start of Round Three, the waitress delivered Seymour's water and Rikku's soda and nachos. Seymour came out the leader in this round as well. Rikku claimed that the nacho grease had affected her grip and vowed that she would come back the next round. Seymour found himself enjoying the friendly competition. He ignored the glares and grumbles of the other players.  
They became impossible to ignore midway through the fourth round. A skinny man with greasy hair took his turn and in doing so stepped far over the throwing line. Nobody said a word, including Seymour, who didn't care what the other players did. Rikku, however, did care.  
"HEY!" she yelled angrily. "You stepped over the line!"  
The greasy-haired man shrugged. "So what?"  
"So you're a cheater!"  
He gave a short, snide laugh. "A cheater? Hear that? An Al Bhed called me a cheater!"  
Rikku's eyes narrowed. "And what do you mean by that?"  
"A pot callin' the kettle black. A lyin', blasphemin' thief callin' me a cheater."  
"Take that back," she said in a low, wrathful tone. Seymour remembered the incident on the airship and knew that Rikku was serious.  
The man sized up his tiny female opponent and snorted. "Make me."  
Rikku wordlessly raised her hand and cast Fire on her antagonist. The spell landed on his head, where it reacted with the grease and hair gel to form an impressive flame. The man yelped in surprise and pain. Panicked, he ran in circles, beating at the flames with his hands.  
"Hey! Where do you get off hurting him?" demanded an irate bimbo, who apparently was the greasy man's girlfriend.  
Rikku shrugged. "His fault for being such a _sudran-vilgehk pycdynt_."  
"Don't you call him dirty names, either!"  
The bimbo advanced on Rikku, hand raised. Rikku casually picked up the contained of nacho cheese and dumped it into the bimbo's hair. As the bimbo squawked angrily, Rikku covered the cheese with the rest of her soda. The other bimbo, who apparently was friends with the first, came charging in. Rikku moved aside and tripped her.  
Seymour, watching the fray from the sidelines, began to laugh. A large bearded man noticed. "What're you laughing at?" he demanded.  
Before Seymour could make a portentous reply, the bearded man swung a fist at Seymour's face. He dodged it just in time. The man came at him again. This time, Seymour blocked him. He glanced over at Rikku, who was casting Blizzard on a new attacker, and wished he could use even the tiniest bit of magic. He could end the fight with one spell.  
In the instant he'd looked away, the bearded man had hauled back for another punch. This one nailed Seymour squarely in the cheekbone and floored him. He picked himself up and made ready to exit. He had no stake in this brawl. The brutes weren't worth the energy expenditure.  
"Hey! Let me go, you jerk! Help!"  
The burly man had pinned Rikku's arms to her sides and lifted her off her feet. She kicked furiously, but was having no luck in getting down. Seymour continued on his way. Rikku had started this fight. She could get herself out of it. Out of the corner of his eye, Seymour saw the greasy man—his hair still smoldering—and the nacho cheese bimbo moving towards Rikku. Seymour also saw the corner of a familiar piece of machina poking out of Rikku's pouch.  
"Let's see what she's got," said the greasy guy.  
Seymour's eyes widened. Calhoun's controller! If they got hold of it... He had no idea what other features Rikku had programmed into that thing. The shock might be the least of his worries. And he really didn't want to have a narcoleptic episode in this particular bar. He wheeled around and re-entered the fray.  
"Put her down!"  
He reeled his fist back and let it fly for a punch that knocked the burly man backwards a few steps. After Rikku kicked him in the groin, he released her. Seymour was now busy with the greasy man, who grabbed a stick from the pool table and swung it. Seymour caught it and twisted it out of the man's grip. Then he used it to soundly crack the man over the head.  
"Do you have any swift ways to end this?" Seymour hissed at Rikku as the remaining darts players regrouped.  
"I'm looking..." Rikku pawed through her one of her pouches. "Here! Dream Powder! Don't breathe in!"  
She withdrew a small capsule, cracked it, and threw it into the middle of the bar. It exploded into a cloud of granular smoke that filled the room. Rikku led Seymour out of the room, keeping her head down and her nose covered. Seymour did the same. Around him, he heard people coughing. The coughing quickly subsided as the Dream Powder took effect and sent the other patrons into unconsciousness.  
They ran out the door, and didn't stop running until they were a safe distance away from the bar. Then Rikku collapsed against the low wall that lined the street, laughing insanely.  
"You..." Seymour panted, "you think that that was funny?"  
"In retrospect," Rikku gasped, "yes."   
He shook his head in disbelief. "You are insane."   
Rikku grinned and winked. "Well! That's the pot calling the kettle black, isn't it?"  
He let out an exasperated groan. "Indeed."

)(

(A/N) Okay, yeah, so the ending is awkward. But this chapter was running long as it was, so I couldn't start something else yet. Hmm...a week since the last update. Not _too_ bad. And thankyouthankyouthankyou to all readers, and especially reviewers, because I like having non-spam e-mail. Hooah!


	8. Seymour's First Date

(A/N) Finally, an update! This thing has been finished since last Monday, but I've been on a computer-free vacation for the past two weeks. Advance apologies to anyone who hates a lot of singing...

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Final Fantasy or the songs _Hit Me With Your Best Shot_ by Pat Benatar, _You Give Love a Bad Name_ by Bon Jovi, _Trampled Underfoot_ by Led Zeppelin, or _Purple Haze_ by Jimi Hendrix.

)(

"So." Rikku turned to Seymour. "Whatcha wanna do now?"  
"You mean we're not going back to the hotel?"  
"Of course not!" Rikku gestured at the sky. "It's still daylight."  
Seymour glanced up. "Just barely. Look, the street lamps are on."  
"So we have even more light," she said.  
"And Auron is going to flay us both once he finds us," he added.  
"Yeah, but so what? He's going to flay us no matter when he finds us," Rikku pointed out. "Is staying out for another couple hours going to make it any worse?"  
"I expect not," Seymour admitted. "What is it you have in mind? And it better not involve near-death—or near-fourth-death—experiences."  
"Well, we can't spy on Lulu and Wakka anymore, unless you have 500 gil that you want to shell out for a table."  
"No. Even if I had money to spend, where would you expect me to put it? Nothing fits in the pockets of these ridiculous pants."  
"You could put it in your shoe," Rikku suggested. "And I know you don't have money. So we're just going to walk around and see what there is." She craned her neck and peered back the way they had come. "Actually, we're going to run for a bit, because I see movement in the bar."  
They sprinted down the street until the bar was no longer visible. Rikku screeched to a sudden halt. Seymour, following close behind, knocked into her and sent them both tumbling to the ground. Seymour stood and began brushing dirt off his clothes. "Why did you stop?"  
Instead of answering his question, she giggled girlishly. "Oh, Seymour, that was so much fun!" She picked herself up off the ground  
Seymour was so startled that he wasn't able to muster a decent comeback. "What—"  
"Just play along, or you're gonna get it," Rikku said softly. Then, loudly, "I wish all our nights could be like this!" She flung her arms around him.  
"Like what?" he demanded. "You are going to explain yourself immediately, or—" Suddenly his voice cut off. He screamed, but no sound came out. Calhoun must be equipped with a Silence feature, he realized.  
Rikku gasped. "You mean it?" She sighed loudly. "Oh, Seymour, I love you too!"  
He'd had more than enough of her games. His cheekbone was sore from her last escapade. He began railing at her, despite being afflicted with Silence.  
She stared up at him adoringly. "You're so romantic! I've never felt this way about anyone before! I could just—" She reached up and pulled him towards her by his shirt. "Pull your lips in!" she ordered quietly.  
Seymour soon saw why. He'd barely brought them inside his mouth when Rikku grabbed his face so her thumbs were covering his mouth. She kissed him—or rather, her thumbs—passionately. Then she abruptly released him and cast Thunder at a nearby bench.  
"Okay, we can move on now," she said as though nothing had happened. "Whoops, almost forgot." She clicked Calhoun—which she'd been palming the whole time—and removed the Silence.  
"WHAT IN YEVON'S NAME WAS THAT ABOUT?!" Seymour fumed.  
"Shh! Keep it down or I'll Silence you again." "Answer me!" he hissed. "Why did you do that?"  
Rikku pointed. "My brother was watching us from behind that bench. I didn't want to disappoint him." Seymour began to sputter incoherently in his fury.  
"Hey, relax," Rikku reassured him. "Brother won't be following us anytime soon. I KO'd him with that spell."  
"Why?" Seymour moaned. "Why must you make everything sound and look so much worse than it is?"  
"Because I like to mess with my family. They're so overprotective."  
"I noticed," he said acidly.  
"C'mon, didn't you ever do things just to push your parents' buttons?" she asked.  
"No. I did not." He smiled sardonically. "Unless murdering my father counts."  
"Um, no. Not so much."  
"If you do feel this absurd need to rebel, why must you use me?" he asked.  
"Well, I used to use Tidus—that was kind of an accident, though. Dad thought he was after me till we all found out he liked Yunie. He would've been fun. But, since he and Yunie are together, that leaves me with Wakka, Auron, and you."  
"And what is wrong with Wakka and Auron?"  
"Wakka likes Lulu. Auron would really make Dad squirm, what with him being 20 years older and dead," she mused. "But there's no way Auron would go along with it. So that leaves you. You have to go along with it, because I said so. As an added bonus, my family really hates your guts." She grinned. "And I think you're the most fun!"  
"I am flattered," he grumbled.  
"Geez, you're grouchy sometimes. You were more fun back in the bar. Here, I'll tell you what," Rikku said. "I'll make it up to you by letting you buy me ice cream at that place up the street."  
"I told you, I have no money. And how is it beneficial for me to buy you ice cream?"  
"We're using my money," Rikku explained. "You're just doing the actual purchasing. Oh, and pretend I'm you're cousin or sister or niece or something."  
"Why?"  
"You'll see. Trust me on this one." Seeing Seymour's doubtful stare, she added, "If we're family, then I can't give bad meanings to things."  
"True." Seymour sighed. "All right. I have to do what you want anyway. At least this seems relatively painless."  
"Very painless," Rikku agreed. "In fact, I think you'll like it."  
She grabbed his wrist and pulled him into the ice cream parlor. "May I help who's next?" the teenage boy behind the counter asked.  
"Yep!" Rikku leaned against the counter. "Let's see...I'd like the Mount Gagazet Medley with one scoop of Cookie Dough, one Chocolate Brownie Chunk, one Rainbow, one Mint, and one Strawberry; with peanuts, jimmies, chocolate sauce, and whipped cream on top. And can I have a couple extra maraschino cherries?"  
"Sure," the boy said with a dorky smile. "Anything else?"  
Rikku looked at Seymour expectantly. He stared blankly down at the fifty-plus flavors of ice cream. He'd only had ice cream once before, so far as he could remember. His mother had bought him a cone on one of their rare trips to the outside world when he was very small. He couldn't remember what flavor he'd gotten. Chocolate and vanilla seemed to be the tradition; he supposed he couldn't go wrong there. "I will have a vanilla cone."  
"Is that together or separate?" the boy asked.  
"Together," Rikku replied.  
The boy tallied the cost at the register, looking a bit disappointed at Rikku's response. "Your total comes to 40 gil."  
Rikku surreptitiously shoved some gil into Seymour's hand. He presented it to the cashier boy and received change back. He began to slide it into his pocket.  
"Ahem!" Rikku kicked him in the ankle. Seymour obediently gave her the change.  
"Here you go," said the boy, handing a small cone to Seymour and a gigantic bowl to Rikku.  
"Thank you!" Rikku said brightly. She grabbed a spoon and pulled Seymour to a table by the window. She began devouring the mountainous sundae the instant she was seated. Seymour licked his ice cream experimentally. It was a bit sweeter than he'd like, perhaps; but it wasn't bad.  
They ate in silence—or at least without speaking, as Rikku made plenty of noise as she snarfed her sundae—for a few minutes. Seymour paused and watched the Al Bhed girl eat. Whipped cream and chocolate sauce framed her mouth. A few jimmies stuck to her chin.  
"Would you like a napkin?" Seymour asked sarcastically.  
She shook her head. "Later. No time now," she said around a mouthful of Cookie Dough.  
"Is it good?"  
She flashed him a thumbs-up sign, not looking up from her half-empty bowl.  
In a few minutes more, Rikku had finished. She wiped her mouth and smiled contentedly. "Ah... Ow!" She gripped her head and winced. "Owowowowowowow!"  
"What is it?" Seymour asked.  
"Oww...ice cream hangover," she groaned. "I don't usually get brain freeze, but when I do...owwwwww."  
"Does all ice cream cause this?" Seymour looked suspiciously at his cone, wondering if he should be bracing himself.  
Rikku shook her head. "Only if you eat real fast. Which shouldn't be a danger for you. Geez, you're slow."  
"I am not slow," Seymour argued. "Maybe you are freakishly fast."  
"I am freakishly fast. But you're also freakishly slow. You have one scoop of ice cream with no toppings! You should've been done five minutes ago!" She made a face. "Look, you've barely started on the cone!"  
"I prefer to take my time," Seymour said. He knew Rikku was impatient. Sitting and watching him eat would drive her crazy.  
"Well, hurry up," she told him.  
"Why?" Seymour asked loftily. He took a miniscule bite out of the cone and chewed it as slowly as physically possible. To his satisfaction, Rikku's eye began to twitch. He swallowed and took another bite with exaggerated sloth.  
Rikku thunked her head against the table. "Eat faster," she whined. "It's unbearable. Don't make me shock you."  
"But speed will ruin it," he said. "I like to savor things." For no apparent reason Rikku burst into hysterical giggles. "What?"  
She waved a hand dismissively, covering her mouth with the other. "Nothing, nothing! Ice cream hangover side effect"  
Seymour rolled his icy lilac eyes. "You need help."  
"Yeah, maybe," she said, calming down. She looked out the window. "Ooo! Hurry up for real. We have to go. Like, now."  
"Why?"  
"So I can make the Brother thing up to you. Eat!" Seymour was becoming bored with his slow eating anyway, so he stuffed the remainder of the cone in his mouth whole. "Now what?" "Decide whether I'm your sister, cousin, or niece."  
"You look nothing like me," he pointed out.  
"Be my uncle, then. You married into my family."  
"I marry into that?" He shuddered. "No, thank you."  
"You almost did!" she reminded him. "Just pretend you're my uncle, and you're taking your niece out for some quality time."  
"Is there a point to all this?" he asked.  
"Ever been hit on by a woman before?"  
"What does that have to do with anything?"  
She sighed. "For someone as intelligent as you're supposed to be, you sure are thick. All right. You see those two women over there?" She pointed to a rather attractive pair of women who looked about Lulu's age walking up the street. "I can guarantee that they will join up with us. What do you think?"  
"They are both quite attractive, but—"  
"Ohhh, I understand," Rikku nodded. "Well, I think I'd still be able to do something for you. It might take some time, because men never shop alone regardless—"  
"What?!" Seymour snapped. "Just what are you implying?! I was going to ask you how you knew they were both single!"  
"Oh...whoops." Rikku looked a bit embarrassed. "Well, that's easy. They're young, they don't have rings, and it's a Friday night. Plus, there's the way they're dressed."  
"You can tell their relationship status from that? How?"  
"I have my ways," she said wisely. "And I know for a fact that they'll be very fond of you so long as you follow my lead and do as I say. Trust me on this. Being female—and having watched Tidus and Wakka in action—I know what a guy should and should not do. Most women are suckers for the sensitive family guy. We're also suckers for musicians, but I don't have a guitar to give you. So?"  
Seymour considered it. "You swear that this will not become a twisted tale to tell your family or result in fleeing for our lives?"  
"So far as I know, yes. But I promise nothing."  
"Why do you bother asking for my opinion when you force me to do as you want anyway?"  
She shrugged. "I dunno. It seems the polite thing to do. Now, come on! And remember, follow my lead."  
Rikku took Seymour's hand and pulled him out the door. They were a few yards ahead of the women Rikku had pointed out.  
"Thank you for buying me ice cream, Uncle Lycomedes!" she chirped loudly.  
"You're very welcome, Audrey."  
She wrinkled her nose. "Audrey?"  
"If I have to have an asinine alias, so do you."  
"Fair enough."  
They exchanged loud pleasantries on such semi-fictitious subjects as cousin Yuna's honeymoon and "Audrey's" brother's mishap with lightning. Rikku started skipping. Suddenly, she twisted her leg and fell. She cried out in pain.  
"What happened?" Seymour dropped immediately beside her, feigning immense concern.  
"Owwww...." Rikku whimpered. She had tears in her eyes. Seymour was impressed. He wracked his brain, trying to think of parental things to say. "Where does it hurt?"  
"Here..." She pointed at her right knee and stole a glance over Seymour's shoulder. "Bingo!" she said so only Seymour could hear. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that the two women were jogging up to investigate.  
"Oh my gosh, is she okay?" asked one, a brunette with a vibrant yellow top. "We saw her fall."  
"She hurt her knee," Seymour said. "Audrey, how did it happen?"  
"I was skipping, and I wasn't really watching where I was going, and my foot got caught in that crack over there." Rikku pointed at a crack a foot behind them. Seymour admired her attention to detail.  
"Oh, these walkways really ought to be repaved," said the other woman, who had very long pinkish hair held back on one side with a barrette. "I was running to work and broke a heel last week."  
"Can you move it?" Seymour asked, poking Rikku's knee gingerly.  
"Ow!" She hissed at the touch.  
"Sorry."  
"It's okay. I don't think I can move it. Not right away, at least."  
"Should we try to call a doctor?" the brunette asked.  
"I could run and get a Potion," the pink-haired woman volunteered.  
"No, no thanks. It's fine. Really," Rikku said with a weak smile.  
"Are you sure?" Seymour asked.  
"Yeah. My knee does this a lot," she explained. "If I step on something funny, it twists a little. It stops hurting after a bit, but I can't put weight on it for a few minutes."  
Seymour glanced at the concerned women and turned back at the pretending Rikku. He then offered to do something that he vowed he would never, ever do again under any circumstance.  
"Do you want me to carry you?"  
"Are you sure it's not too much trouble?"  
"Yes, I am certain."  
"Okay." Rikku nodded. "I only need it for a little while. Just be careful when you lift me." Seymour lifted Rikku in a fireman's carry, making sure to be careful of the "injured" knee. Rikku smiled up at him. "Thanks."  
"That's so sweet of you," said the brunette. "You two are family?"  
"I'm her uncle," Seymour replied, thanking Yevon that this was a lie. "My name is Lycomedes."  
"I'm Audrey." Rikku waved.  
"I'm Giara, and this is Enni," said the pink-haired woman. "Where are you two headed?"  
"Karaoke," Rikku said. Seymour suppressed a twitch.  
"Really? Cool, that's where we're headed," the brunette—Enni—said. She pointed at the pink-haired woman. "We go every Friday. Giara's addicted to it."  
"I am not!" Giara protested laughingly. "I just like it a lot. And Friday karaoke has been a tradition since we were in high school."  
"Would you mind if we joined you?" Enni asked.  
"Not at all," said Seymour. "What do you think, Audrey?"  
"Of course I don't mind," said Rikku. She looked at Enni and Giara. "He's never been before."  
"Oh, a rookie?" Giara grinned. "Well, we'll have to show him how it's done."  
"Definitely," Rikku agreed.  
"Our usual place is right up ahead," said Enni.  
"Lead the way," Seymour told her.  
As they walked, Enni and Giara asked Seymour and Rikku—mostly Seymour—about themselves. Rikku turned so only Seymour could see her and mouthed "I told you so." He smiled acquiescingly. He was quite enjoying himself. He'd never been on a date before. The Guado didn't do such things, and he hadn't had much contact with human women until he became a maester. Then everything had been formal. This was—dare he say it?—fun.  
They entered the karaoke lounge and found a four-person booth. Seymour looked at Rikku. "Can you walk now?" he asked her.  
"Maybe. Let me try." He set her down and she carefully put weight on her right leg. "I think it's fine," she told him. She walked a few steps. "Yep, it's fine."  
"Be careful," Seymour warned her. "It may be still weak. Don't run on it."  
Rikku rolled her eyes. "Okay, I won't. Can I go register?"  
"Go ahead."  
Enni and Giara glanced at each other and decided something amongst themselves. "I'll go with you, Audrey," said Enni. "Want me to register you, too?"  
"That'd be great," Giara said.  
Enni and Rikku headed off to the registration table, leaving Giara and Seymour alone in the booth.  
"It's so nice of you to spend time with your niece," Giara said.  
"Oh, it's no trouble," said Seymour. "I enjoy it. My sister and her husband both work, so they do not always have time for her."  
Giara smiled at him. "You don't often see many men willingly spending time with kids—unless they're married and the kids are theirs. Especially young men. How old are you, anyway?"  
"Twenty-eight," Seymour replied. "How about you? You look perhaps twenty-one."  
She laughed. "Flatterer! I'm twenty-seven."  
"Really? Honestly, you don't look a day older than one of my friends, and she only just had her birthday." Seymour congratulated himself. He was pretty good at this dating thing.  
"So..." Giara leaned in closer to him. "A young guy like you—do you have a girlfriend?"  
Yes! he cheered inwardly. He shook his head. "No, not now. There was a girl with whom things started becoming serious—we began talking of marriage—but we broke up months ago."  
"Aw, how come?"  
Sympathy. Nice. "It is a bit complicated. Her career got in the way and demanded so much of her time, and a co-worker of hers was in love with her...it was just too much to deal with at the time. I've only recently begun to date again."  
"Well," Giara said with a flirtatious smile, "you're off to a good start."  
"They had glowy stuff"! Rikku announced as she returned to the table, sporting three bright purple glow necklaces. Seeing how things appeared to be going, she and Enni glanced at each other and grinned.  
"And just what are you smiling about?" Giara asked.  
"Nothing!" they replied in unison. They slid into the booth on the other side of Seymour.  
"We ought to be up in five minutes or so," Enni told Giara. "I picked Hit Me With Your Best Shot."  
"What are you singing, Audrey?" Seymour asked, hoping that it wasn't going to be embarrassing.  
"You'll see," Rikku said secretly.  
They chatted and listened to the other singers—who ranged from exceptionally good to exceptionally tone deaf—for the next few minutes. Giara edged closer and closer to Seymour. Feeling bold, he lifted his arms to stretch and very suavely (or so he thought) slung one arm around her shoulders. She didn't shove it away; on the contrary, she leaned against him. Oh, yes, crowed a voice in his head. I am GOOD!  
Enni and Giara were called up to the stage. Their prior karaoke experiece was evident; they were animated and not nervous in the slightest. They sang well together—though Giara had the better voice, if Seymour did say so himself. He and Rikku clapped loudly.  
"Bravo!" Rikku cheered when the women had returned to the table. "You guys rock!"  
"Magnificent," Seymour said.  
"Thanks!" They smiled. Just then, Rikku was called to the stage.  
She cringed. "Geez, I have a hard act to follow."  
"You'll be fine," Enni assured her.  
"Just relax," Giara advised as she slid back against Seymour. His inner stupid frat boy cheered.  
Rikku skipped onto the stage. The music began. She tapped her foot to the beat, grinning mischievously. Drums crashed, and she began to sing:  
"Greasy, slicked-sown body/ Groovy leather trim/ I could lay ya on the road/ Baby, it ain't no sin..."  
Seymour raised his eyebrows. Had she just said—  
"Oh, Trampled Underfoot!" Giara laughed. "I love this song!"  
"Trouble-free transmission/ Watch your oil explode/ Baby, let me pump your gas/ Come on, lety me do it all..."  
"What is this song about?" Seymour asked suspiciously.  
"Machina," Giara replied simply.  
"Take my heavy metal/ Unerneath your hood/ Baby, I could work all night/ Believe I got the perfect tools/ Talkin' 'bout love..."  
Seymour felt his face turning red. "This song is not about machina."  
"No, it's about 'machina.'" Enni made air quotes. "The whole song's like this. It's hysterical. And Audrey carries it off really well."  
"Perhaps," Seymour said through gritted teeth. What could possibly suit Rikku better than an entire song of double entendres? "I would rather she sing something more appropriate."  
"Ah, let her have her fun," said Giara. "Though it is sweet how you're so protective...Oh, I like your tattoos."  
"Thank you," he said. The notion that someone was checking out his tattoos instantly improved his mood.  
Rikku ended her song to enthusiastic applause. Enni and Giara both congratulated her. Seymour did so grudgingly.  
"I shall talk with you later about what is and is not appropriate," he added.  
"Aw, Uncle Lycomedes, it's just fun."  
Seymour's reply was cut short by the emcee calling a Lycomedes to the stage. "They do not mean me, do they?"  
"Oh, didn't I tell you? I signed you up," Rikku said. "D'you know You Give Love a Bad Name?"  
"Possibly. But I—"  
"Oh, you'll be fine, Lycomedes!" Giara gave him a playful shove. "Go on and try it!"  
"Remember," Rikku whispered in his ear, "women are suckers for musicians!"  
Seymour hated to admit it, but Rikku had been correct about everything from the moment they'd left the ice cream shop. These women—or at least Giara—had definitely been sucked in by the "sensitive family guy." If Rikku said they liked musicians, he had no reason to doubt her.  
And so he found himself standing in the middle of the stage as the tai-bo conducive beats of Bon Jovi blared from the speakers. The words popped up on the small screen in front of him and he began, hoping that he remember the tune correctly.  
"An angel's smile is what you sell/ You promise me heaven, then put me through hell/ The chains of love got a hold on me/ When passion's a prison, you can't break free..."  
Ugh. Who wrote this drivel? This had better be getting him some points with Giara. He looked out at the table. Judging from her fawning expression, it certainly was. Ignoring Rikku's broad, devilish grin, Seymour belted the chorus.  
"Ohh, you're a loaded gun/ Ohh, there's nowehere to run/ No one can save me, the damage is done/ Shot through the heart/ And you're to blame/ You give love a bad name/ I play my part/ You play your game/ You give love a bad name..."  
Seymour finished the song without making a fool of himself so far as he could tell. He returned to the booth, where Rikku was hopping up and down and laughing as she clapped.  
"Lycomedes, that was wonderful for a first time," Giara gushed. To Seymour's happy surprise, she kissed him on the cheek.  
"Will you sing something with me?" Rikku asked him.  
"Oh, that'd be so cute," Enni said. "And you both have such stage presence."  
"Totally," Giara agreed. "Go on up! And do something rock, please? It works with the cool pants."  
Rikku hauled Seymour off to the registration table. "Enjoying yourself?"  
"Very much," he confessed. "I don't believe it. She actually liked the pants!"  
"Told ya I knew what I was doing," Rikku said. "Now say it."  
"Say what?"  
"You know."  
Seymour did know. "All right, but I will only say this once without being threatened into doing so." He took a deep breath. "You were right."  
"And...?"  
"And thank you. This almost makes up for the past humiliation."  
"Well, the past humiliation almost makes up for the past murder and marriage attempts," Rikku said. "So technically you still owe me. Want a glowy necklace?"  
They had reached registration table. The girl behind it looked up at them. "What would you like?"  
"Do you have Purple Haze?" Rikku asked.  
"Mm-hmm. You two going together?" the girl asked. They nodded. "Tell you what, I'll let you go on ahead. The audience likes you. You're on after this guy."  
Seymour was disappointed. He wanted to return to the table and receive more adoration from Giara. But, true to word, he and Rikku were called up on stage after a slightly intoxicated man had finished YMCA.  
Strange, wavy guitar began to play. "D'you know this song?" Rikku asked, covering the microphone.  
"No."  
"Seriously? Geez, you're deprived. I'll go first, then," she said. "It's the same tune pretty much the whole way through." She uncovered the microphone.  
"Purple haze was in my brain/ Lately things don't seem the same/ Actin' funny, but I don't know why/ 'Scuse me while I kiss the sky."  
A simple tune. Seymour turned to the screen, trying to block out an annoying glint coming from somewhere in the room.  
"Purple haze all around/ Don't know if I'm up or down/ Am I happy, or in misery?/ Whatever it is, that girl put a spell on me."  
This was an enjoyable song. Seymour smiled slightly at Rikku in spite of himself. As he turned he caught the glint in his eye again. Where was it coming from? He peered out irritably into the room and tracked it. He found its source and blanched.  
There, standing ten feet from the stage, glasses shining, was a very cantankerous Auron.  
Rikku followed Seymour's gaze and gulped. Cringing, she caught Seymour's eye.  
"Busted..."

)(

(A/N) Okay, so maybe karaoke's kinda dumb. But I had to think of something they could do after ice cream. Was Seymour OOC at all during this chapter? I like to think that he's got a stupid frat boy lurking inside, as all guys do on some level.  
A road warrior danke schoen to all who have read and reviewed. Yay for coming home and finding a full In-box! The next chapter ought to be up soon, since I used my computer-devoid two weeks to get some writing done.  
Out of curiosity, anybody know where I got the name Lycomedes? It's pretty obscure, even for Greek mythology. A hint: I remember it because it's linked to cross-dressing. If anyone can tell me, I will give you the hypothetical frequent flyer miles I would've gotten if I'd flown the 2200-mile round trip to Houston instead of driving!


	9. Hotel Hijinks

DISCLAIMER: I don't own FFX, and I don't know what sort of things a Spira hotel would be equipped with.

)(

"What do you have to say for yourselves?"  
They were back in the hotel lobby. Rikku and Seymour were seated in armchairs next to each other, staring up at Auron. The legendary guardian stood with his arms crossed, wearing the tight-lipped frown of an angered schoolteacher. Lulu and Wakka watched from a loveseat off to the side.  
"We're sorry, Auron," Rikku said timidly.  
"Sorry?" he repeated. "What you did was dangerous, Rikku. Not to mention childish. How many things could've happened to let Seymour escape? Outside of that, you created even more hazard on your own. I know about what happened in that bar. 'Sorry' doesn't cut it."  
"I would like to say that I had no voice in the matter whatsoever," Seymour spoke up. "I was merely an unwitting participant."  
Rikku swatted him. "Traitor!"  
Auron glared at him balefully. "If you hadn't been with her, I would have had no problem letting her wander off. She generally has some common sense on her own."  
"But nothing happened to us," Rikku said soothingly. "I'm okay, and Seymour's still under control. Did you really have to drag us out of the karaoke place by the ears?"  
"You deserved it."  
"But did you really have to come onstage to do it?" she protested. "We didn't even get to finish the song!"  
"And I didn't even get Giara's address!" Seymour fumed.  
Auron raised his eyebrows. "_That_ is something I'd expect from Tidus."  
Rikku's green eyes widened. "Hey, you _are_ kinda acting like Tidus!"  
Seymour sickeningly realized it was true. He, acting like that stupid, clumsy, idiotic blond _thing_? "Dear Yevon, no..." He shuddered in horror.  
Rikku laughed. "Well, there's _his_ punishment. And I promise never to wander off and start barroom brawls with an unsent evil guy ever again. Are we forgiven, Auron?"  
"You're as forgiven as you're going to be," Auron said. "It's late. The airship will be here early tomorrow. We ought to get to sleep." He tossed a key to Lulu and glared at the group. "And don't touch anything in the minibar unless you have the gil to pay for it." He touched his sword hilt. "Or else."  
Their adjoining rooms were on the third floor. They were separated by two back-to-back doors. Each room had two beds. One had a rollaway bed waiting as well.  
"How're we sleeping?" Wakka asked.  
"The same way we always do," Rikku replied. "Guys and girls."  
Wakka groaned. "Aww, I don't wanna sleep with _him_." He pointed at Seymour.  
"He'll be on the rollaway bed," Auron said.  
"Wait. Why must _I_ have the rollaway?"  
They ignored Seymour. "I still don't wanna," Wakka said. "He's creepy and evil. An' he probably snores, too."  
"Wakka, _you_ snore," Lulu pointed out.  
"And Auron grinds his teeth," Rikku added. "If anything, he should be begging not to sleep with you guys."  
"Not that I am overly enthused about rooming with you," Seymour said, "but what, may I ask, is wrong with me? Don't you owe me for salvaging a win for your pathetic blitzball team?"  
"Yeah, maybe, but it's principle, ya?" said Wakka. "He's Rikku's. Can't he sleep with you girls?"  
"No!" Seymour exclaimed. "Do you have any idea what she will do with that?"  
Rikku made a face. "Eww!"  
"That's a bit inappropriate," said Auron.  
"Okay, how 'bout this? Me an' Lu will be in one room—"  
Lulu arched an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"  
"In separate beds! In separate beds!" he assured her hastily. "So then Rikku, Auron, and Seymour will be in the other room, ya?"  
"NO!"  
"EWW!"  
"That's _extremely_ inappropriate."  
"Forget it, Wakka," said Lulu. "Seymour's with you."  
"Must I really be?" Seymour asked. "Can't I sleep in the hallway?"  
"No." The girls retired into their room.  
Rikku stuck her head back through the doorway. "And Wakka, be nice to Seymour." She shut the door behind her.  
"I'm gonna go shower," Wakka grumbled.  
Auron sat down on his bed and started reading a book, leaving the rollaway for Seymour to set up on his own. It took some time, for Seymour had never used a rollaway before and, while he didn't quite know what to do, he certainly was not going to ask Auron for help. This was good, because Auron didn't so much as glance up from his book when Seymour started laughing and got his arm stuck in the bed because Wakka got soap in his eyes and let out an anguished bellow.  
Wakka emerged from the shower, his eyes red and his hair damp and slightly less vertical. He wore a pair of boxers and an old T-shirt. Auron went in for the next shower, finishing somewhat faster and wearing only a pair of grungy pants. Seymour took his turn in the shower. He realized as he began the difficult task of peeling off his pants—how had he gotten into them in the first place?—that the only sleepwear he had was his boxers. He hadn't noticed before, as all sleeping had been done at odd hours when Rikku decided that he should. Wearing only his underwear seemed crass to him. Also, the room was a bit chilly. After he'd showered and dried off, he decided to fetch his second shirt from Rikku. He opened their connecting door—  
"Hey!" came an angry shout. A powerful shock hit his neck as the door slammed shut. "Geez, don't you knock?"  
"Don't _you_ lock your doors?" Seymour shot back. "I only opened it a couple of inches, anyway. I saw nothing, so you had better not tell your family that I've been trying to...to peep at you."  
"Well, I wasn't going to, but since you suggested it..."  
Wakka chickled. Seymour massaged his forehead in exasperation. "Just give me my other shirt."  
"Say please."  
He sighed. "Please."  
"Pretty please with sugar on top."  
Why was she being so juvenile? "...Pretty please with sugar on top."  
"Now do a dance!"  
"What?"  
"She gets slaphappy if she's up too late," Auron said without looking up. "It isn't personal. Ignore her and she'll go away."  
"I don't hear dancing!" Rikku called in a singsong voice.  
"Rikku, give him the shirt," Lulu said beyond the door. "You can play with him some more tomorrow."  
"Fine." After a moment the door opened a crack. Rikku stuck her arm through the gap and handed him the shirt. "There you go. G'night!" The door shut.  
Wakka guffawed. "Oh, that's great. She's really got you whipped, ya?"  
"Have her put Calhoun on you and see how you fare," Seymour groused as he pulled on the sleeveless remains of his outer robe. "Of course, if Lulu held the controller, you would probably like it."  
"Hey, what're you saying?" Wakka demanded.  
"Both of you shut up and go to sleep," said Auron. He turned out the lights.  
Despite his unusually eventful day, Seymour was not tired. He lay awake staring at the ceiling, pondering Wakka's observation. Yes, Rikku certainly had him whipped—Seymour wasn't familiar with the slang term, but it sounded appropriate. There was so much she could get away with so long as she had that blasted controller. It was intolerable. ...Well, he didn't suppose today had been too bad. Blitzball had been entertaining, especially since he had won. (He smiled again at the memory of the unconscious floating blitzers.) And the ditching of Auron afterward had been enjoyable, especially towards the end. Actually, come to think of it, even the debacle in the questionable bar had been kind of fun. Rikku was...growing on him, he had to admit.  
_Yes. Growing on me. Like some sort of fungus.  
_ He started to doze off to the melodious sound of Auron grinding his teeth when something crashed into the rollaway.  
"Ow! Son of a—"  
Seymour sat up. "Wakka, what are you doing?"  
Wakka rubbed his bruised shin. "I'm gonna go prank the girls."  
"For what purpose?"  
"It's tradition," Wakka said. "Me an' Tidus do it all the time."  
"Then won't they be expecting it?"  
Wakka thought about it, then shook his head. "Na-uh, 'cause Tidus isn't here, ya? They wouldn't think that I'd do it all by myself."  
"Right. Of course," Seymour said sarcastically.  
His tone was lost on Wakka. "Hey, you wanna come?" he asked. "Rikku said I had to be nice to you. This might be kinda a fun bonding experience or something, ya?"  
Seymour shrugged. There seemed to be no harm in it. "I have nothing better to do."  
"Great! C'mon." Wakka headed out into the hallway.  
"Why don't we just use the adjoining doors?" Seymour asked.  
"They locked theirs after Rikku gave you the shirt. But they usually forget this one..." He moved out of Seymour's line of sight. Seymour heard him jiggle the door handle. The door clicked open. "See?" Wakka poked his head through the doorway and motioned for Seymour to follow. "Now be quiet."  
They walked as silently as possible into the dark room. As his eyes adjusted, Seymour discerned the shapes of Rikku and Lulu asleep in their respective beds. Wakka ducked into the bathroom and emerged with a can of shaving cream.  
"What is that for?" Seymour asked.  
Wakka grinned broadly. "We're gonna put this shaving cream in their hands, so when they wake up, it'll be all over their faces!"  
_How was the shaving cream supposed to not smear on the sheets beforehand?_ Seymour wondered absently. He rolled his eyes at the idiocy of the prank. "Ingenious."  
Wakka shook up the can and headed over to Rikku, who lay with her arms and legs sprawled out over the length of the bed. Her mouth hung open and she snored slightly. Wakka lifted one of her wrists and pried her clenched fingers open. "Hey Seymour, you wanna try this? Get revenge, ya?"  
It could be a trick, Seymour thought. At the same time, dread visions of Rikku waking up, seeing him, and putting a spin on the incident filled his head. "No, you go ahead," he said hastily.  
"Suit yourself." Wakka rummaged through a pile at his feet. "You can take care of these, then."  
He tossed two things to Seymour. The half-Guado caught them and discovered that he held a black corset and a lime green bra. He dropped them as though they were spiders.  
Wakka chuckled. "You gotta be less uptight. They're just clothes, brudda. Like socks or something."  
"Socks are used for different purposes," Seymour muttered to himself. He picked up the garments with his fingertips. "What am I to do with these?"  
"You soak 'em in cold water and put 'em in the minbar freezer," Wakka explained as he squirted a blob of shaving cream into Rikku's hand. "Haven't you done this before?"  
"I cannot say that have."  
"Whoa, you're missing out!" Wakka moved on to Lulu, who slept huddled so far over on one side of the bed that she was on the verge of falling off. "Y'know, maybe if you'd had more fun, you wouldn't be all evil and spooky-like."  
Seymour ran cold water over Lulu's corset, ensuring that it was thoroughly soaked. "I doubt that more experience freezing the undergarments of others would have any bearing on who I am today." He started on Rikku's bra. "You know," he mused, not paying attention to what he said, "you could fill the cups of this with shaving cream if you wanted to."  
"Seymour, you're a genius!" Wakka exclaimed. "I can't believe I never thought of that! That's great!"  
After making certain that Lulu held two fistfuls of shaving cream, Wakka gleefully joined Seymour at the sink and began filling the bra. Seymour silently vowed that he would never think out loud again. He also was beginning to think that extended periods of time with Wakka had negative effects on his brain function.  
Wakka placed the two undergarments in the freezer, careful not to upset the shaving cream. They snuck back into their own room. Within minutes Wakka's loud, phlegmy snores joined Auron's grinding teeth in a cacophony that made it impossible for Seymour to get to sleep. He considered returning next door, finding Calhoun's controller, and pushing the sleep button. It then occurred to him that he could have searched for and stolen Calhoun while he helped Wakka accomplish his ludicrous mission. Seymour cursed his stupidity. Well, he would not waste another opportunity. He got up and began sneaking back to the girls' room.  
Seymour was almost at his door when he heard the adjoining door creak open. Lulu and Rikku tiptoed inside. The former wore a black nightgown that Seymour recognized as one of the things Rikku had brought for him to wear the day she'd taken his clothes. Rikku herself wore lime green shorts and a tank top. She also still had on the violet glow necklaces from the karaoke place, which were beginning to lose some of their brightness.  
"Seymour, what're you doing up?" Rikku asked.  
_Damn!_ The controller was in her pocket. "Bathroom," Seymour lied. "Why are you in here?"  
"Pranking Wakka and Auron," she replied. "We were gonna get you, too; but since you're up, do you want to help us?"  
"What are you planning on?"  
"We're sticking Wakka on the roof," Lulu said.  
"And we're making Auron pretty." Rikku held up a bag of cosmetics.  
Seymour was a bit impressed. This was much more productive than what Wakka had come up with. Which reminded him—  
"Shouldn't you have shaving cream on your faces?"  
The girls laughed. "We're used to the shaving cream," Lulu said. "Wakka and Tidus do it whenever we're at an inn or a travel agency."  
Rikku rolled her eyes. "And the dumbest thing is that they don't even do it right. You're supposed to tickle the person's face while they're asleep, so they swat their face right away."  
"I had wondered about that," said Seymour. "It is a well-know trick, then?"  
"The oldest trick in the book," said Rikku. "And they follow it up with the second-oldest, the lame bra-freezing thing."  
"We've been hiding our real clothes for months now," Lulu told him. "We leave the same decoys out every night. It's really a bit sad that they haven't noticed by now."  
Rikku pulled a chair up to the edge of Auron's bed and started applying lipstick to the sleeping guardian's mouth. "Hey Lulu, should I use the purple eye shadow or the bright blue?"  
"Hmm...what color lipstick are you using?" Lulu asked.  
"Red-Light District."  
"I'd go with the bright blue, then. Will you hand me the white paint? I want to put Kabuki makeup on Wakka."  
"Here." Rikku tossed Lulu a compact. "Seymour, why don't you start painting Auron's nails?"  
Seymour decided that Lulu and Rikku were a force to be reckoned with and, under the circumstances, it would be much safer for him to cooperate with them. He sat down on the floor next to Rikku's chair. She passed him a bottle of hot pink polish and nudged one of Auron's arms within his reach. Seymour shook up the bottle and started carefully painting Auron's nails.  
"You know, Seymour," Rikku said after a moment, "you're about the last person I figured would ever stick anything in my bra."  
"_Excuse_ me?" Seymour's voice cracked. He felt his face reddening.  
"You know, the shaving cream thing," Rikku continued offhandedly. "Geez, get your mind out of the gutter."  
"You meant for that to sound questionable and you know it," he snapped.  
"Of course." Rikku laughed. "You should've seen your face! You were beet red!"  
They sat in silence for a few minutes, transforming Auron into a twisted drag queen. Rikku finished working on his face and put away her cosmetics. She plunked down next to Seymour. "What are they, anyway?"  
"What are what?"  
"The things on your face," she replied. "Are they veins or tattoos?"  
Seymour had never thought about it before. "I really cannot say. I have had them since I can remember."  
Rikku reached over and touched them. She frowned. "Hmm. They're not bumpy like veins usually are when they're that dark. But getting tattoos there would hurt, and having them that close to your eyes would be dangerous." She began tracing the thin blue lines with her fingertip.  
Seymour swatted her hand away. "Stop that. It feels odd and it tickles."  
Rikku's eyes lit up, and Seymour knew that he had just made a very grave blunder. "You're ticklish, eh?" she asked with a mischievous grin.  
"You keep away from me," he warned. He moved backwards to distance himself from her.  
Rikku followed, wiggling her fingers. "I'm gonna getcha!"  
"For the love of Yevon, you're nearly an adult!" he cried. "This is unseemly!"  
"What are you talking about? You're never too old for tickle fights!"  
Seymour had run out of floor and was backed against the wall. "Lulu!" he called in despair. "Make her stop!"  
"Rikku." Lulu employed the same stern tone that Auron often used. "Stop it. It's...disturbing."  
"Why?" Rikku asked, and for once her innocence didn't appeared feigned.  
"You mean you honestly don't—oh, forget it. You can guess on your own. In the meantime, behave and be quiet, children. You'll wake everyone up."  
"Who are you calling a child?" Seymour wanted to know. "I believe I am older than you are."  
Lulu gave him a look. "You want me to sic her on you?" She pointed at Rikku.  
"No, ma'am," Seymour said meekly with only a hint of sarcasm.  
"Good. Rikku, may I have the red lipstick, please?" Rikku ran to the cosmetics bag and tossed the lipstick tube to Lulu. "Thank you. This ought to do it..." Lulu coated Wakka's mouth with the absurdly red stuff. "There! Finished. Now we can take him on the roof. Seymour, get his feet. Rikku, open the doors."  
Lulu picked up the utterly unconscious Wakka underneath the arms. Seymour grabbed him around the ankles and they lifted him off the bed. Rikku darted ahead of them and held the door open for them. Despite knocking him against the doorframe on the way out, Wakka didn't stir.  
Lulu rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "Honestly, he could sleep through Sin." She nodded to the right. "The stairwell's this way."  
Rikku opened the stairwell door and took great care to shut it silently after her. On the first flight of stairs alone, they accidentally conked Wakka's head against the steps five times.  
"I am beginning to see the reason for his thick-wittedness," Seymour observed. Rikku giggled.  
"Now, now," Lulu rebuked them. "Wakka is a good blitzball player and a dedicated guardian."  
"I never said he wasn't," Seymour explained. "I only said that his mental slowness might be due to massive head trauma. How much longer must we carry him?"  
"That isn't much better," Lulu grumbled. "And in answer to your question, we have two more flights of stairs to go. I suppose I must thank you for helping, Seymour. This is much easier than it would be with only Yuna, Rikku, and me. We managed to leave Tidus in a cloister once at the Djose Temple, but we dropped him quite a few times on the way."  
"I am happy to assist," Seymour said truthfully. If it led to discomfort or embarrassment for Wakka, he would gladly help anytime. "Now, what else have you done to Tidus?"  
They regaled him the rest of the way with tales of their exploits, which included tying him to a lightning rod at the Thunder Plains; "accidentally" becoming separated from him in the Temple of Bevelle; having him dragged behind a raging chocobo; and convincing him that Bombs really wanted to be hit lightly multiple times, and that if he hit them just the right way, they would give him candy. Seymour laughed at all of this, and was further amused and impressed to find that these were only a few of the things the girls had inflicted upon the ditzy little blond boy. Having deposited Wakka safely on the roof, they bid each other goodnight and went off to their rooms. Seymour fell soundly asleep with blissful visions of Tidus torture dancing in his head.

)(

(A/N) Yeah, I'm kinda mean to Wakka and Tidus. But Seymour's been getting his comeuppance all along, Auron's become the resident grump, and Kimahri's not even there. So I figure they're overdue for some mockery.  
Speaking of Auron, he's going to wreak his vengeance upon them all very shortly. Stay tuned!  
Thanks once again to all readers, and especially reviewers, who inspire me to spin around in joyful circles until thouroughly dizzy. And congratulations to Shido, who actually bothered to track down old King Lycomedes, who did absolute diddly but had some interesting houseguests. Heheheheh...the mighty warrior Achilles, cross-dressing because his mommy told him to. Ah, ancient Greek legends, the original fanfics.


	10. Stranded

(A/N) I am very very very very very exponentially to the tenth power sorry that it took so long for me to update this. Summer lethargy, I guess. Of course, now that school's started I have to deal with not having enough time. Really, there's no way to win.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Final Fantasy X. I also don't own a chinchilla.

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Seymour awoke slowly, squinting into the sunlight. He was not in the mood to get up. The previous day had tired him. He rolled over onto his side, away from the intruding sun, and found his face scant inches away from that of a sleeping Rikku.

"AUGH!"

Seymour's scream was sufficient to wake up everyone within a mile of him, including Rikku. Her eyes snapped open, settled on Seymour's for a split second, and widened to the size of saucers. Rikku's subsequent shriek was loud enough to awaken anything that had managed to remain asleep.

Seymour sat up and cast a terrified glance at himself and Rikku. To his immense relief, both of them still wore their pajamas. A few yellow feathers clung to his. A clucking sound behind him revealed the reason: they were in an occupied chocobo pasture.

"You had better have a good explanation for this!" he snapped, trying to glare at Rikku while keeping an eye on the nearest chocobo. The birds had always made him nervous.

"You think I did this?" Rikku asked. Seymour noticed that she also had inspected their state of undress. "Why would I stick you out in the middle of a chocobo pasture in your pajamas?"

Seymour gave her a look. "With you, I think a better question is, 'Why not?'"

"Okay, fine. Even if I did stick you out here, why would I stick around, too?"

"I don't know! Perhaps for the same nonexistent reason that you do everything else!"

"I doubt that Rikku is responsible for this." Seymour and Rikku turned and saw Lulu brushing grass off of her nightgown. "While I can see Rikku doing quite a few strange things, including keeping you company in a chocobo pasture, I can't see why she would include me in this impromptu pajama party."

"Ha! See?" Rikku stuck her tongue out at him.

"I suppose," Seymour agreed. "Then what are we doing out here? We're halfway to the Mi'hen Highroad. I do not walk in my sleep—and if I did, I doubt that I would walk this much."

"Even if we all were marathon sleepwalkers," Lulu said, "we wouldn't all walk to the exact same place. I think we were...helped."

"You mean a prank?" Rikku asked. "I don't know. This is way out of Wakka's league. And even if he did magically get a billion times craftier, we locked him on the hotel roof." She frowned. "That leaves Auron, but he never pranks anyone. He's too serious. Can you see him squirting shaving cream in my bra?"

"Until last night, I couldn't see Seymour squirting shaving cream into your bra, either," Lulu reminded her.

"Technically, I did nothing," Seymour said. "I observed that shaving cream in a bra could be done, and Wakka decided to try it. The actual doing was his, not mine."

Rikku grinned. "Personally, I still think it's funny just hearing you say 'bra.' Of course, I have to deduct points for blushing when you say it. At least you don't get a doofy grin and a glazed look when you say it. Tidus is such a dork. Wakka's fine, amazingly enough. And Auron—well, come to think of it, I've never heard Auron say 'bra,'" Rikku said thoughtfully. "I'll have to try that. I bet he'd say is all matter-of-factly like he says everything else. See? Auron's always matter-of-fact. Pranking, by definition, is not."

"Then why are we out here?" Seymour asked.

"I dunno. Maybe we were abducted by space aliens in our sleep."

Lulu raised an eyebrow. "Space aliens?"

"Something Tidus told me about," Rikku explained. "Or maybe..." She clasped her hands together and closed her eyes in mock piety. "Maybe we were brought here on a holy mission from Yevon."

"Why would Yevon bring us to a chocobo pasture?" Seymour asked.

"Yevon works in mysterious ways," Rikku said gravely. "These poor, unfortunate chocobos have lost their way. It is up to us to save them from eternal damnation and lead them down the path of righteousness once again!"

Lulu chuckled. Seymour, however, scowled. "Ahem. We are not all blasphemers here," he said stiffly. "I advise you not to mock Yevon."

"I'm not mocking Yevon!" Rikku continued in the same manic voice. "I'm praising him and doing his work! Come, Brother Seymour and Sister Lulu! We must save the chocobos!"

She ran over to a sleeping chocobo and knelt by it. "Oh, poor chocobo. The forces of evil have made you tired. But never fear, for Yevon shall heal you, and you shall WALK!"

At this she put her hands on the chocobo's back. With a startled "Wark!" it jolted to its feet and ran off. "Hallelujah! Praise be to Yevon! He has healed that stricken yellow bird! Can I get an amen?"

Lulu laughed again. "Amen!"

"Thank you, Sister Lulu!" Rikku turned. "What about you, Brother Seymour? Do you feel the power of Yevon?"

Seymour was insulted. "I feel it more than either of you do, I am sure. Stop this nonsense."

"How is this any sillier than what you Yevonites actually do?" Rikku wanted to know.

"What we do is not silly," said Seymour angrily. "Not that you would know that, as an Al Bhed, a heathen, and a traitor."

"Ouch," Rikku said, obviously sarcastic. "I'm so very sad now that I am not welcome by your silly dork religion. Which is wrong, by the way, so I can rag on it all I want to."

"It is not!" Seymour shot back. "And no, you can't!"

"_Yevon ec y culg samuh! Yevon ec y culg samuh_!" Rikku shouted.

"Stop that!" Seymour snapped. "What are you saying, anyway?"

"You'll have to learn Al Bhed to find out!" she told him. She then continued chanting "_Yevon ec y culg samuh_" at the top of her lungs.

"You stop that right now or I'll—"

"You'll what?"

Good point

"Both of you cut it out!" Lulu yelled. "You're both tired and cranky from being up so late and sleeping in a strange place."

"Are not!" they protested in unison.

"All the same, both of you need to apologize. Rikku, apologize to Seymour for insulting his religious practices, however false they may be."

Rikku obediently looked at Seymour. "I'm sorry for making fun of your crackhead deity with the stupid name."

"Close enough," Lulu said, accepting this as adequate. "Now Seymour, apologize to Rikku for—"

"For what? I really didn't do anything wrong this time."

"No, I don't suppose you did... Here, apologize to Rikku for being a stick in the mud," Lulu said.

In the interest of conflict resolution, Seymour turned to Rikku. "I am sorry for not being as strange, hyperactive and childish as you are."

"That will have to do." Lulu sighed. "Now for the real fun of walking back to our hotel in Luca."

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The walk took less than an hour. They had run into relatively little trouble, though their route was littered with the twitching, unconscious bodies of men who were stupid enough to whistle or catcall at the nightgown-wearing Lulu, who had promptly cast Firaga in their general direction. Luckily the concierge at the hotel did not ask questions about their appearance and courteously unlocked their rooms for them.

To Seymour's surprise, everything in his room was gone with the exception of his clothes. Auron and Wakka's things, toiletries included, were now missing.

"Hey, Seymour!" Rikku called. "Is any of our stuff in your room?"

"No," Seymour called back. "Is any of mine in yours?"

"Nuh-uh." Rikku entered Seymour's room. "This is weird. All our stuff is gone except our clothes, my pocket commsphere, and Calhoun."

"And money." Lulu followed Rikku. "Do you have any? What little we carried with us is gone. Auron always handled most of our finances."

Seymour shook his head. "I have none. All I can find are my clothes." He happened to glance at the mirror and noticed a piece of paper stuck to it. He pointed. "And whatever that piece of paper is."

Lulu went over and took the paper down. "It's from Auron."

"What's it say?" Rikku asked.

"'To all,'" Lulu read. "'I hope you enjoyed your stay in the chocobo pasture. I am informing you that I have chosen to continue onward to Besaid on my own aboard a ferry. It promises to be a relaxing time. Also, as you may have noticed, I have taken the liberty of bringing most of our provisions with me. Be glad I left you your clothes. Enjoy your day! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Sincerely, Auron, the new pranking master.'"

"So Sir Auron put us out in the chocobo pasture?" Seymour asked incredulously.

"I told you so," said Lulu. "Wait, there's more to the letter. 'PS: Seymour has night terrors about chocobos. PPS: Bright blue is a poor choice of eyeshadow for me, as it fails to bring out the green highlights in my eyes.'" Lulu paused. "Well, this is certainly out of character."

Rikku shrugged one shoulder. "I guess he was bound to crack sometime. Hey, Seymour, what's with the chocobo night terrors?"

"I wasn't aware that I had them," Seymour lied.

"It isn't important," Lulu interrupted. "What is important is calling Cid so we can leave Luca. We don't have the money for another night in a hotel."

"Don't worry. Dad'll come get us," said Rikku. Just then the commsphere crackled from the girls' room. "Speak of the devil..." Rikku ran back to retrieve it. "Hi, Dad!" she greeted the small image of Cid on the sphere screen once she had returned.

"Hi, sweetie." Cid saw Seymour. "Oh," he said, face darkening. "You. I've been meaning to have a word with you. My son said he saw you kissing my daughter. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE—"

"Dad!" Rikku interrupted. "You can yell at Seymour later! Right now, you have to pick us up in Luca."

"I'm sorry, sweetie, I can't."

"What do you mean, 'can't'"

"That's what I called to tell you about," Cid said. "Two of the turbines are busted because your brother decided it would be fun to drag race against some of Yuna's aeons. It's goin' to take a good couple of days to fix them—the turbines, that is. You're better off taking the ferry."

"But Dad!" Rikku protested. "We can't take the ferry! Auron left with all our money!"

"Auron left you?" Cid narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "What did you do?"

"Nothing! We just wandered off without him for a bit yesterday."

"And that's all?"

"...Well, we also kinda put makeup on him while he was asleep..."

Cid sighed. "Rikku, sometimes I wonder what I'm going to do with you."

"My thoughts exactly," Seymour cut in.

"You don't talk!" Cid ordered. He turned back to Rikku. "I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do. We're stuck in Kilika. You'll either have to earn money to pay for a ferry ticket or camp out till the airship's fixed. I'll see you in a few days."

"Bye." Rikku sullenly clicked the commsphere off. "Now what do we do?"

"Get dressed, to start with," Lulu said. "We ought to take showers, too. There's no telling what we might have accidentally rolled in overnight. And we may well be camping out tonight if we can't pull together enough money."

Once they had all showered, dressed, and pocketed the complimentary hotel soaps and shampoos, the trio checked out of the hotel and began to brainstorm ways to earn money. Seymour was now a bit grouchy, as he discovered during his shower that Rikku had decorated his face tattoos overnight. The lines on his cheeks were adorned with pretty flowers. The design on his forehead had been turned into a large, geometric butterfly.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself," Rikku said. "It was too tempting."

Seymour rubbed furiously at his face. "What did you use?" he demanded. "It won't come off, even with soap."

"It's a special kind of eye makeup," she explained. "Very waterproof. You need makeup remover to get it off."

"Then give me some makeup remover."

"I can't. Auron took all the makeup, too," she said. "Rubbing's not going to get it off, so you oughta stop before you give yourself a rash or something."

"If Auron took all the makeup, then what is Lulu wearing?" he asked.

"I'm not wearing anything," said Lulu. "My eyes are naturally like this."

Seymour raised an eyebrow. "And your lips are naturally purple?"

"Yes. If your hair can defy gravity, then my lips can be purple," she replied. "Now back to the subject at hand. What can we do to earn some money?"

"There's always fiends," Rikku suggested.

"Yes, but they aren't worth much in this area," said Lulu. "We would have to fight nonstop all day. The payoff isn't worth the energy."

"We could defeat more fiends and earn more gil if I could fight," said Seymour.

"Not a chance," said Rikku.

"He could earn money from blitzball," said Lulu. "The Aurochs wanted to sign him. They'll happily take him back for another game. One game's salary pays for one ferry ticket. Here, let me see if..." Lulu opened the complimentary hotel newspaper's Sports section. Her face fell. "Blast. The Aurochs aren't playing today."

"Is anyone else looking for a goalkeeper?" Rikku asked.

Lulu shook her head. "No. Other teams may well want him, because he _is_ very good—"

"Thank you," Seymour said.

"You're welcome. But be that as it may, no one else could sign you even if they wanted to, because they have full rosters and none of the players' contracts are close to terminating."

"Phooey." Rikku picked up the Help Wanted section of the paper. "Let's see if there are any good jobs open. Umm...we could be waitresses."

"Ahem."

"And waiters," she corrected herself. "Sorry, Seymour."

"I don't think we can take any real jobs just for one day," said Lulu. "The only exception I can think of is working concessions at a concert, but there aren't any bands in town today."

"Hookers can work just for a day," said Rikku. "I think strippers can, too."

Seymour smirked. "Considering the response generated during our walk to the hotel, Lulu, you might want to consider—"

Lulu gathered a small but potent Flare spell at her fingertip and held it between Seymour's eyes. "You don't want to finish that sentence."

"Bad Guado! Bad!" Rikku took out Calhoun and gave the shock button a tap.

Seymour winced at the slight shock. "Apologies. Does anyone have any better ideas? I assume that both of you are adverse to thievery."

"Yeah, unless we're stealing from fiends," said Rikku. Her eyes lit up. "Hey, that's what we can do! We can steal stuff and resell it! The fiends here don't pay much, but they've got items on them. We can sell them at shops, easy!" She looked at Lulu. "You know how to Steal, right?"

"Yes; but remember, I can't move very well in this skirt," Lulu replied.

Rikku looked at Seymour. "That leaves you. You can run, right?" Seymour nodded. "Then you have nothing to worry about," she said. "I can teach you!"

They walked back up the winding streets of Luca to the Mi'hen Highroad. Seymour ignored the stares of passers-by who noticed the rather interesting patterns on his face. _If anyone asks_, he thought to himself, _I shall blame it on a drinking binge. A bad one._

Seymour also began wondering how it was that Rikku—and anyone else with the Steal ability—managed to extract the item from the fiend. Rikku had stolen from his Guado henchmen during their first battle, he remembered, but the henchmen had carried Hi-Potions with them. Rikku had simply picked their pockets. Fiends did not somehow contain conveniently packaged bottles and gems. Did they? Come to think of it, Seymour also was not sure how it was that one obtained gil from a destroyed fiend. Did the fiend leave its wallet behind when it died? Was some ethereal force rewarding the slayer of the fiend for a job well done? He would find out today, he supposed.

Just then, a Mi'hen Fang leapt snarling into their path. Rikku grinned. "Perfect place to start!" she said. "These guys are a piece of cake. Watch me!"

Quick as lightning, Rikku darted over to the red wolf-like creature. She shot a hand out and touched the Fang for a split second. Then she was back at Seymour's side.

"Got it!" She held up a small vial of Potion.

Seymour blinked. "How did you do that?"

"Easy. You run over and grab the item."

"It comes in bottles?" Seymour asked. He hadn't expected his hypothesis to be correct.

"Uh-huh. Here, why don't you try? This one had another Potion with it," she said. "Just so you know, fiends like this usually have them by their necks. Now go on!"

She gave him a small shove towards the Fang. The creature noticed and turned towards him. "It's looking at me," Seymour said.

"Then go around it!" Rikku called.

Seymour crept to the left, keeping his eye on the Fang. Unfortunately, the Fang also kept an eye on him. "It isn't working..."

"You have to move faster than that," Rikku said, and Seymour could tell by the sound of her voice that she was rolling her eyes. "Run!"

Seymour ran. The Fang lost track of him for a moment. Hearing Rikku yell at him, Seymour took that opportunity to run at the fiend. As he neared it, he saw a bottle of Potion suspended by its neck. He reached out and grabbed it. He wasn't quite fast enough. The Fang whirled and chomped down on his retreating hand.

"Ow! Damn it!" The bite wasn't serious, but it still hurt. Seymour made his other hand into a fist and punched the Fang as payback. With a yelp, it dissolved into pyreflies.

"Wow. The fiends here really _are_ crappy," said Rikku. "Did you get the Potion?"

"Yes," said Seymour, examining his injured hand.

"How much gil did you get?" asked Lulu.

Seymour looked at the spot where the fiend had been a moment ago and saw a small pile of gil on the ground. He picked it up and counted it. "Sixty," he replied.

Lulu sighed. "This really will take forever. I suppose it's a good thing, in a way. With all your items gone, Rikku, you'll have to rely on magic or physical attacks, and you haven't learned the higher level spells yet."

"I'll be fine," said Rikku. "You can go fiend-busting on your own if you want, Lulu. I still have to teach Seymour."

"All right," Lulu nodded. "Call me if you need any help."

"Will do." The black mage went off in search of fiends. Rikku turned to Seymour. "How's your hand?"

"Fine. The bite barely broke the skin," Seymour said. "It hurts a bit, though."

"Want me to heal it for you?"

He politely declined. Seymour had little faith in Rikku's capacity as a healer. Besides, a healing really wasn't necessary. "How did I do?"

"You're kinda slow," Rikku said. "You have to be less timid."

"I? Timid?" Seymour hadn't expected to hear that. "I doubt that."

"You're hesitating too much," Rikku told him. "You have to take action faster. Ooo! Look!" She pointed at a lumbering Raldo. "Those things are slow. It'll be good practice for you."

Seymour easily stole the Raldo's Potion. However, the Raldo made up in strength what it lacked in speed. Seymour's punch didn't do the job this time; in fact, all it really did was hurt his hand on the fiend's armored plates. The Raldo barreled into Seymour, knocking him down and giving him a nasty bruise on his shin. Rikku killed the fiend with two blasts of Blizzard.

"You want me to heal you now?" she asked.

"No, thank you." Seymour hobbled to his feet.

In the next battle, he somehow became poisoned.

"I know Esuna," Rikku said helpfully.

"I will be fine," said Seymour, ignoring the stinging wave of nausea that now swept over him.

Next he was paralyzed.

"Really!" he grumbled. "How can a person be paralyzed by a White Element?"

Rikku shrugged. "Beats me. Want me to fix you?"

"I shall manage," he told her. He moved slowly off to the next battle, though he seemed to have lost the use of his joints.

Then came the Darkness.

"I really think I ought to take a look at that," Rikku said.

"It isn't necessary," said Seymour. "Now please move out of my way."

"I'm not in you're way," Rikku said. "That's a Floating Eye. I'm about twenty feet to your left."

"Oh."

The next thing Seymour knew, he lay on the ground looking up at Rikku. "What happened?"

"First tell me how many eyes I have."

"Two," he said. "And they are both very wide and very green."

"Good!" she said approvingly. "You fainted while you were fighting that Floating Eye. It confused you."

"So I punched myself into unconsciousness?"

"No. You had Darkness on you, remember? You tried to punch yourself, but you couldn't see, so you just kinda flailed around until the Poison finished you off." She giggled. "It was really funny. You kept trying to hit yourself in the head and missing. And the Paralysis made you move like a machina drone so you were like..." Rikku staggered stiffly backwards, eyes unfocused, batting blindly at the air. This continued for a few moments, until she fell laughing to the ground.

"Ha ha," Seymour said sarcastically. "I am glad you still find my misfortune amusing."

"Well, it's your own darn fault for not letting me cure you earlier," she admonished him. "You're lucky I know Life. Otherwise, you'd still be KO'd, because Auron took all the Phoenix Downs, too."

Seymour regarded the Al Bhed girl. "You know Life?"

She nodded. "Yunie taught me. Why?"

"I did not expect you to know such advanced healing magic," Seymour said. Noticing her offended scowl, he added, "I always found black magic easier to learn than white. You are only on the first stages of black magic spells, so I just assumed you were a novice healer. I have never been very good at healing," he reflected. "I knew Ultima before I mastered Life."

"Yeah, well, Yunie's been teaching me white magic since I joined her party. She says everybody ought to know at least some healing magic. So I know Life, and that's the only time I'll ever use it on you without using Zombiestrike first."

Seymour smirked. "How are you to use Zombiestrike on someone who is already undead?"

She stuck her tongue out at him. "I'll find a way. Oh, by the way..." She held up a vial of putrid-looking smoke. "I Mugged that Floating Eye. Wanna sniff the Musk?"

He wrinkled his nose. "I will pass."

"If you sniff the Musk, I'll get some makeup remover for you," she tempted him.

A few seconds of odor was worth removing the ridiculous designs from his face. "Fine," he said.

Rikku handed him the vial. Seymour raised it to his face and removed the cork from the top. Instantly a putrid stench hit his nostrils. "Feah!" he coughed. He corked the vial as quickly as he could. Tears streamed from his eyes. "That would bring anyone hack to their senses."

Rikku laughed. "Oh man, your face! That stuff must really be bad. Let me see it."

Seymour happily handed her the vial. She opened it and took a whiff. Her face contorted into the perfect picture of disgust. "Hooey!" she exclaimed. "That stuff's _awful_!"

"What are you doing?" asked Lulu, who walked towards them carrying a bundle of items.

"Sniffing strange substances," Rikku replied. "Wanna try?"

"No thanks," Lulu said. "How much did you two get?"

"About 700 gil altogether," said Rikku. "Plus nine Potions, five Antarctic Winds, three Softs, and six Musks."

"I have a little over 500 gil, and all of this." Lulu nodded towards the pile of items. "Once we sell these, we should have enough for three ferry tickets."

"And if not," said Rikku, "we could always stowaway."

They trooped back to Luca and found the nearest item shop. After much pouting from Rikku, an icy glare from Lulu, general imperiousness from Seymour, and haggling from all three, they sold their newfound items for 1500 gil, enough to secure them all cabins on the overnight ferry to Besaid.

"I can't believe that guy actually thought we'd give him Potions at 12 gil apiece," Rikku grumbled as they boarded the ferry. "That's robbery!"

"I agree," said Seymour. "The standard retail price is 50 gil. They are in better condition when we give them to him than when he sells them to the public."

"That is why it pays to know how to haggle," Lulu said. She smiled wryly. "I find it interesting that you helped us get a good price, Seymour."

"Of course I did," he said. "I worked for those items. I expect to be fairly rewarded for my effort."

"But your reward is a trip to Besaid," Lulu reminded him. "I would think you would want to avoid your sending."

Seymour paused. In all that had happened, he had honestly forgotten why they wanted to go to Besaid in the first place. "Well," he said evenly, not wanting to admit that the sending had slipped his mind, "it isn't as though I could do much to hinder your progress with this thing." He tapped Calhoun.

"Let's forget it," said Rikku swiftly. She ran up onto the deck of the ferry. "Come on! I want to see our rooms."

Seymour followed her, wondering why she had wanted to change the subject. He was glad, though. If he were to escape, he had to do so tonight, and he had no plans in already in mind.

Lulu was the last one to step onto the deck. She paused indecisively.

"What's wrong, Lulu?" Rikku asked.

"I don't know." Lulu frowned. "I feel as though we're forgetting something, but I don't know what."

"I can't think of anything," said Rikku. "I mean, Auron took everything but our PJ's, and those are in here." She held up a laundry bag she'd brought from the hotel.

"I guess it just feels strange not having any luggage to be responsible for," said Lulu. She looked at their tickets. "Our rooms are on the first level below deck, it looks like. Let's go. We can all rest before dinner."

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On the roof of a nice hotel in Luca, a vertical-haired man in Kabuki makeup waved at pedestrians, trying to get their attention. They took no heed. He sighed and sat down against the locked stairwell door.

"Man," Wakka said, "where'd everybody go off to?"

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(A/N) Yeah, I sort of ditched Wakka for the remainder of the fic. I apologize to any Wakka fans. I think he's funny, but I don't have anything for him to do. They'll miss him eventually; don't worry.

Oh! For those of you who don't have an Al Bhed translator handy, Rikku was saying, "Yevon is a sock melon!" Which makes absolutely no sense, but it doesn't have to if Seymour doesn't know what she's saying.  
  
Thank you, as always, to all reviewers. Geez, I can't believe I've actually gotten over 80 reviews. You are all very benevolent souls. Thank you again, and I promise to update faster!

Having recently viewed _Wayne's World_, I'm toying with the idea of having multiple endings for this thing, thereby hopefully suiting all tastes. Does this sound like a good idea, or should I stick to one real ending? Multiple outcomes will make it longer...


	11. The Romantic Ending, Part 1

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters, places, or montages of Final Fantasy X. They belong to Square, not me, blah blah blah.

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"Oh, _crap_."

Seymour and Rikku turned towards Lulu, startled by the black mage's uncharacteristic outburst.

"What is it, Lulu?" Rikku asked through a mouthful of cherry cobbler laden with ice cream.

"We forgot Wakka!"

"Oh." Seymour unconcernedly continued eating his key lime pie. "I hadn't noticed."

Lulu groaned. "He must still be in Luca. Auron said in his note that he went on alone, didn't he? Ohhh...!" She groaned again and covered her face with her hands. "What if he's still on the roof of the hotel?"

Rikku giggled. "Oopsie."

Lulu stood up from the table. "I'm going to call the hotel and see if he's till there. Behave yourselves while I'm gone."

"Can I have the rest of your chocolate mousse?" Rikku asked.

"Go ahead," said Lulu, already walking briskly out of the ferry's restaurant.

Rikku happily grabbed the bowl of chocolate mousse and dipped her finger into it. Once she obtained a sufficiently large glob, she slurped it off.

"Why don't you use a spoon?" Seymour asked. "There are plenty here."

"It tastes better this way," she replied. "Wanna try?"

"Actually, I am feeling tired," he said. "I think I will go to bed early."

"All right. Suit yourself." Rikku scooped up a blob of chocolate mousse. "See you in the morning, then!"

"Right. Good night."

Seymour headed to his room on the lower deck, but had no intention of sleeping. He needed to think of an escape plan. He had only a few hours before he would be sent, and he had nothing in mind. It was disgraceful. He shut the door behind him—Lulu had confiscated his key, so he could not lock it—and sat down on the edge of the bed to think.

If all else failed, he supposed he could jump ship in the middle of the night and swim for it. He would rather not, though. He wasn't strong enough to fend off the more powerful ocean fiends without magic, and it would be just his luck if Sin showed up when he couldn't take advantage of the opportunity. Also, Rikku would put him to sleep or worse the second they realized he was missing, and he would be watched more carefully afterward. He'd acquired some measure of trust from Rikku and Lulu; it could be useful, and he didn't want to jeopardize it unnecessarily.

Taking Calhoun's controller from Rikku seemed the best course of action. Lulu and Rikku were in separate rooms. So long as he could keep from waking Rikku, he would be fine. He could take the device, run, and worry about figuring out how to work the contraption later. It was a simple plan, but it ought to suffice. And if Rikku should wake up?

_Worry about getting the controller first_, his told himself. _Then keep her quiet._

He frowned. _I don't want to hurt her..._

Seymour jerked upright. He didn't _what_? Since when did he care about _that_? Anyway, it wasn't as though he was going to kill her. He would simply knock her unconscious, if that. And he didn't mind if he had to kill. He was used to it. Hadn't he tried to kill her and countless others before? This should not bother him in the slightest. Right?

He noticed that he had moved from "did not care" to "should not care."

He also noticed that he _did_ care. The thought of hurting Rikku troubled him. The thought of having to kill her made him feel horribly sick in a way that was alien to him. No, he would not harm her, and he doubted that he could bring himself to.

"Geez, Seymour, what is happening to you?" he asked himself aloud. His eyes widened as he realized he'd used one of Rikku's words. Now he truly was disturbed. He decided to sleep for a few hours to clear his mind. He changed into his sleepwear, climbed into bed, and set his alarm clock for three hours hence. When he woke up, he thought as he turned off the light, Rikku would probably be asleep. He could take the controller from her then.

Rikku...

She had been a far kinder keeper than he had expected. Sure, there were the assorted injuries, the double entendres, the seemingly random schemes, the questionable outfits, but it had not been that bad. He quite liked the questionable outfits. He still did not understand why Rikku had wanted to do most of the things she had made him do, but he supposed they made sense in her head. Rikku's manic mind intrigued him. And while he could do without the injuries, the circumstances under which he had received them were enjoyable in retrospect.

Yes, he would miss her. He thought of her whirling green eyes, flashing in mischief; her eager, wide grin; the tug of her hand as she dragged him off somewhere, dashing excitedly ahead; her ever-present laugh that trilled like a bird's chirp.

Seymour chuckled. _If I did not know better, I would say I sounded like a lovelorn fool._

_Lovelorn..._ He froze.

No, he reassured himself hastily. Impossible. The very idea was laughable, as he had told Cid three days ago. Had it really only been three days? It seemed longer. Him in love! It was an oxymoron. The closest thing had been his infatuation with Yuna. He simply wasn't equipped for that particular emotion. True, Rikku had become a friend of sorts, but nothing more.

But as he tried to banish the thought, Seymour recalled the small, suppressed urges to smooth back her hair or touch her shoulder; the flustered reactions her flirtatious insinuations never failed to bring, though by all rights he should have grown accustomed to them. He realized for the first time how astonishingly patient and willing he had been with her. He had grumbled and complained all the while, but he hadn't strongly resisted one of her orders since they were on the airship. He'd reasoned that she just would have made him do as she said anyway, and that fighting was useless, but that clashed with his nature. He vowed to fight indignity to the end... unless these weren't indignities. Unless he'd _wanted_ to go along with her. Hadn't he already admitted that he'd enjoyed himself?

Seymour groaned and pulled the covers up over his head. "Damn it."

He made himself fall asleep, hoping to awaken and find this...this _notion _banished when he awoke. This did not happen. Instead Seymour dreamed of Rikku and thought of her the instant he regained consciousness. Flustered, he vaulted out of bed and headed above deck for some air.

Luckily, no one else was about. Seymour hopped up on the railing and sat dangling his feet. He looked over his shoulder and stared out at the still, dark ocean.

"I do not love Rikku," he tried to convince himself. It was to no avail. "I cannot love Rikku." This, too, was a lie. He could feel it. He scowled. "Hmph! It is not as though she would reciprocate!"

No, she wouldn't reciprocate. At best, she would find it amusing. Look at her! Why on earth would a young girl be remotely interested in someone over a decade older—not to mention dead? Also, Rikku was an Al Bhed. His race had given hers every cause to hate them—and he personally had given most of them. He'd have to wipe Rikku's memory for her to even consider caring for him. And then there were her friends' grievances against him. Multiple murder attempts, kidnapping, lies... and almost marrying her cousin had to be breaking _some_ law of relationships. If he told her of his feelings, she would think it was part of some new scheme on his part. And she had every reason to think so.

Seymour shut his eyes, feeling strangely guilty. "I should not love Rikku," he whispered. "I do not deserve to."

Footsteps thudded on the deck. Seymour glanced up and saw Rikku walking towards him. "Hi, Seymour!"

"Hello, Rikku." Seymour's mind focused on one concept: ACT NORMAL.

Rikku draped her arms over the railing next to him. "What're you doing up?"

"I could not sleep," he said as he shoved all romantic thoughts to the back of his mind. "And you? You're still in your day clothes."

"I haven't tried to sleep yet," she said. "I got bored, and I wanted to talk to you. When you weren't in your room, I came to look for you."

"Why did you wish to talk to me?" he asked.

"I wanted to ask about Yunie's wedding dress."

He blinked at her. "Why?"

"Billy Idol came on the the sphere in my room—_White Wedding_, y'know—so I got to thinking about you and Yunie's wedding, and I remembered the dress. Did you pick it out, or what? Because it was all short in the front, and that's not really Yunie's style. And where did it come from? Did you have a wedding dress with matching boots randomly sitting around Bevelle? Do some of you maesters have weird secret hobbies or something?"

Seymour chuckled. "Amusing as it is to picture the dearly departed Maester Kinoc as transvestite, I must tell you that I had the dress made for Yuna specifically. I thought the shorter cut was very becoming, personally."

"It did look nice," said Rikku. "It's just not what Yunie would pick for herself. I wouldn't mind wearing it, though. I thought it was cute."

Seymour thanked Yevon for his icy poise, which kept him from blushing or smiling.

"Lulu ought to have something really cool," Rikku continued, "once she and Wakka finally get together. She'd never let Wakka pick out a dress. His taste is as bad as Tidus'. Oh, speaking of Wakka, Lulu called the hotel in Luca. Turns out he was on the roof the whole time. I think he might be a little ticked at us, but he's none the worse for wear. Good thing Lulu noticed he was missing. Otherwise he'd have to live off the land till someone found him."

"You mean scrounging for chewed gum and communing with passing gulls?" Seymour asked.

"Yeah. Or hunting the gulls for food."

"With what?"

"His hair."

"His hair?" Seymour asked. "Explain."

"Well," said Rikku, "remember how hard yours was? You know how pointy Wakka's hair is. If it was anywhere near as hard as yours, he could use it to stab things. So Wakka would lie in wait until a gull flew near enough. Then he'd jump up and skewer it with his hair!"

Seymour laughed. "What if he wanted to get more than one gull?"

Rikku giggled. "He could use some old straws to make a blowgun, and he could chip off pieces of his hair to use as darts!"

Seymour laughed harder, clutching his sides at the image of Wakka using his hair as a projectile weapon. In his mirth he leaned too far back and overbalanced. He toppled backwards over the railing and hit the sea awkwardly. The water slapped his back. He tried paddling to the surface, but the long trail of his sleeveless robe became unwieldy and tangled around his feet. He heard something enter the water a few yards in front of him. Seymour glanced up and saw Rikku treading water and beckoning to him.

_Flee!_ the rational part of his mind screamed. _Forget Calhoun!_ _Now is your chance! What is stopping you?_

Seymour extricated himself from the fabric and paused for only an instant before he swam towards Rikku and took her outstretched hand. They surfaced together.

Seymour noticed a cable attached to something on Rikku's belt. "What is that?"

"A tow line," she said. "The other end's attached to the ferry." She pointed to the boat, which had traveled a surprising distance in the short time since he had fallen. "It'll pull us in. Hold me." She paused. "Umm, you know. Because otherwise you'd fall."

Seymour noticed that she hadn't burst into giggles or hammed up the command's connotations. Odd. He gripped her shoulders. "Like this?"

"No, lower. Around my waist." Seymour resettled his hands above Rikku's hips. She rolled her eyes. "You'll have to do it tighter than that if you want to stay on. Suck up the weirdness and be a man"

"I'm only half human man," Seymour grumbled, but he obeyed. He wrapped his arms around her slender waist and pulled her firmly against him. He tried to ignore the sense of awkward, giddy contentment that he now felt. At least he was holding her from behind instead of otherwise. "For the record," he said, "this was your idea."

Rikku craned her neck and looked at Seymour. "Don't worry. I wouldn't even bother using this after the kissing thing. It's no longer shocking." A familiar glimmer of mischief appeared in her eye, "Well, I suppose I could make it shocking, if you really wanted to. I could reposition the tow line so you have to hold me in a more risqué fashion."

Seymour was very proud of himself for not blushing. "I regret asking."

Rikku faced front again. "Brace yourself. I'm reeling us in."

"Ready," Seymour said once he had secured his hold.

"Blastoff!" Rikku punched a button on her belt. Th tow line jerked forward, and Seymour was glad that he had followed Rikku's instructions. Though he was not flying back into the water, the waves bludgeoned him as they sped through the water.

"This is not the most comfortable way to travel," he said, raising his voice to be heard over the water.

"Well, this'll teach you not to fall overboard," Rikku hollered back. "Or it'll teach me not to make you laugh."

"You will always make me laugh," Seymour said without thinking.

"What?"

He cursed himself. What had he said that for? He needed to watch his tongue. "Nothing."

Rikku glanced skyward. "Going up!"

Before Seymour had time to wonder what that meant, the tow line lifted them into the air, scaling the side of the ferry. With gravity's pull, he suddenly found his hold on Rikku slipping.

"Sorry," he said, embarrassed, as he hastily scrambled to reposition his hands in a more neutral location without losing his grip entirely.

Rikku shrieked and giggled. "Eek! Not there! That tickles!"

Seymour felt a flush rising to his cheeks. "I cannot move elsewhere!"

"Don't worry about it. We're almost there."

The tow line drew them up level to the ferry's railing. Rikku spun around so Seymour could climb up first, accidentally banging him against the side of the boat in the process. He carefully—and reluctantly—let go of Rikku with one arm, got a good grip on the railing, and hauled himself back onto the deck. Rikku clambered after him. She unclamped the tow line's hook and stuffed it into one of her pouches.

"Squish, squish." Rikku hopped from one foot to the other, leaving wet footprints. "Ugh. These'll take forever to dry." She peeled off her damp, oozing socks and shoes and set them aside.

Seymour too was sopping wet. The soaking weight of his sleeveless robe added a good ten pounds of extra weight. He stripped off the soaked garment and squeezed it. A puddle dribbled to the floor. He held it out at arm's length. "I suppose this is useless for the time being."

Rikku took it from him. "I can dry it, if you want. No sense in having you waterlogged."

Seymour smiled halfway. "Soggy pyreflies travel more slowly?" he asked wryly, surprising himself at how flippant he was about the matter he so dreaded.

An odd expression came over Rikku's face. She whirled so Seymour couldn't see her. "Yeah, maybe," she chirped, though her cheerfulness sounded forced. "Wouldn't want to go the Farplane all squelchy, would we?" She began wringing out the robe and did not speak. The only sounds for the next few moments were the waves lapping the ferry's side and the dripping of water onto the deck. Soon the robe was wrung dry. Rikku continued twisting the fabric tighter and tighter, until her arms shook with the amount of force needed to keep the fabric from snapping back into shape. Something that sounded very like a sob escaped her.

Seymour touched her shoulder gently, wondering what could be troubling her so. "Rikku?"

"Why did you come back?"

He did not understand. "What?"

"Why didn't you just swim for it?" she demanded, still not looking at him. "I would've let you!"

He was too surprised to think of a lie, or some sarcastic remark that better suited his character as she expected it. "I wanted to come back."

"You wanted to?"

"Yes."

"Then you're stupid!" Rikku flung the robe down violently. "Don't you get it? We'll be in Besaid in the morning. Yunie will send you! There's no coming back from that, not even for you!"

Could she possibly—? No, it was preposterous. "Why," he asked slowly, "does any of this matter to you?"

Rikku turned and faced him, her wide green eyes bright and quivering with tears. "Because." Her voice broke. "I don't want you to go..."

Unexpectedly she embraced him tightly. Seymour felt her tears dripping down his chest, her breathing coming in shaking gasps. From somewhere, he could swear he heard quiet piano music. He put his arms around her and gently stroked her back, wanting to soothe her trembling form. "Do not cry," he murmured, trying to stop the droplets that threatened to fall from his own eyes. "You should not cry."

"Why?" she whispered. "Why did you want to come back?"

He had nothing to lose by admitting it. "For you." The piano music he had heard was now joined by a high female voice and a chorus of strings. "I am sorry. I know I should not..." No, he should not. He had no right to, after all he had done.

Rikku touched his face. "You're crying..."

"Am I?" He tried to steady his voice. "I hadn't realized."

"You're not supposed to cry," she protested.

"I am sorry," he apologized again.

"You're not supposed to be sorry, either." Rikku stood on tiptoe and kissed him on the cheek. The music paused for a moment.

Seymour leaned down and met her lips with his.

As they kissed, a symphony exploded around them. Seymour was conscious only of himself and Rikku, aloft and spinning through infinite stars and water; where these things came from he was not sure, but he didn't care. Being with Rikku was all that mattered, nothing else. Had there ever been anything else? He honestly could not remember, and he stopped trying to. He lost himself in all of it: the water, the starlight, the music, the twirling—and Rikku, at the center of it all.

"I love you," he told her once they had returned to normalcy.

Rikku grinned. "Well, I kinda figured, after all that crying and spinning and stuff." She kissed him again. "I love you, too."

"Your father really is going to kill me now, isn't he?"

"Yeah, probably. And your Guado buddies aren't going to be happy with you, either."

"I don't mind." He paused. "What of your friends?"

Rikku sighed. "I don't know." She leaned her head against Seymour's chest. "What are we going to do?"

"It is my problem," he said. "Do not trouble yourself."

"I think it's very much my problem too, so I'll trouble myself all I want," she retorted. She paused. "I could... I could take Calhoun off of you. Then you could leave."

"No."

She looked up at him, surprised. "No?"

Seymour was shocked himself. Had he just rejected an offer of power? "No," he repeated. "If you take Calhoun off, the others will not like it. And...I do not know what I will do if I have my powers again," he admitted. "I will not hurt you. I will never hurt you willingly. But the others—I can promise nothing."

Rikku nodded. "I know. I can't expect you to. You've already changed more than I ever thought you could."

"It will be fine," Seymour reassured her, though he did not believe it himself. He rubbed her back. "We will know tomorrow what will happen."

Rikku gazed up at him. "Stay with me tonight."

Seymour felt a misgiving. It was a desirable proposition to be sure, but Rikku was still very young. Did she fully understand what she was doing? "Are you absolutely certain?" he asked her. "I will gladly do so, but only if you are sure that this is what you want."

"I didn't mean like _that_," said Rikku. "Geez. Love or not, I'm not going to go from first base to loss of virginity in an hour. In stories, it's romantic. In real life, its too fast and skanky."

"Oh." Seymour was a bit relieved. He was also leery about moving that quickly. It didn't seem gentlemanly somehow, regardless of who initiated it.

"What I meant," she said, "is for you to just stay with me during the night. Just sitting and talking and sleeping. No—"

"Canoodling?" Seymour suggested.

Rikku giggled. "I was going to say 'funny stuff between the sheets,' but same thing. Where'd you come up with canoodling? It's a grandma word."

"Have you not noticed by now that I am a stranger to slang terms and modern euphemisms?" he asked. "If you prefer, I can also call it fornicating, copulating, or consummating the relationship."

"Bleah." She wrinkled her nose. "Amazing how the wrong name can make something good sound so unappealing." "But yeah. None of that. I just want you to be near me...for as long as possible."

Seymour smiled. "That, I will also gladly do."

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(A/N) To any romance-lovers out there, I must state that romance is not my strong suit at all. I wish I could've made everything less abrupt, but I only have two chapters in which to romanticize. If you like it so far, stay tuned for the almost-completed Romantic Ending Part 2!

To anyone who is not so fond of the romance, I suggest skipping Part 2 and waiting for the second and third alternate endings, which will be romance-free.

To all readers and reviewers, thank you again. I apologize profusely for being so slow to update. I blame school, rehearsal, college-related junk, and general laziness on my part. But as I said, Part 2 is almost done, and ought to be up soon!


	12. The Romantic Ending, Part 2

DISCLAIMER: So...tired...of typing these...I don't own Final Fantasy X, etc etc. Also, "rock the kazbah" (or however you spell it) is the title of a song by the Clash. Not sure if that merits a disclaimer, but just in case...

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Lulu groaned when she looked at the clock. Her alarm had failed her. It was nearly ten; they would arrive at Besaid in half an hour. Lulu hastily dressed and did some basic grooming. Rikku was no doubt still sleeping; she, like most of her age group, could stay up into the wee hours of the morning and sleep late into the afternoon unless acted upon by an outside force. Lulu expected Seymour was more of a morning person, but she doubted that he would get ready swiftly, considering their destination. Lulu supposed she could drag them off the ferry in their pajamas if need be.

She walked next door to Rikku's room and knocked. "Rikku?" There was no answer. Lulu took out the spare keys she had for Rikku and Seymour's rooms and unlocked Rikku's door.

"Rikku?" The Al Bhed girl was nowhere to be found. More than that, Lulu saw that her bed had not been slept in, and her pajamas still lay neatly folded on a chair. Confused, Lulu continued to Seymour's room. She reached to knock and found that the door was slightly ajar. Lulu opened it a crack and peered inside. She gasped.

Rikku lay next to Seymour on the twin-sized bed, curled up lovingly in the half-Guado's arms. Both were still asleep. Lulu slammed the door open. They awoke with a start.

"What is going on here?" she demanded. "Rikku! Tell me you didn't—"

"Of course I didn't!" Rikku flung back the covers to reveal that she still wore her orange tank top. "See? We're both wearing clothes."

"Then you had better have a good explanation for waking up in his bed," Lulu said testily, although she had to admit that it was unlikely they would put their clothes back on afterward if they had done something.

"I do." Rikku put her hand on Seymour's shoulder. "I love him."

Lulu blinked at her for a moment. Then she glared at Seymour. "_You._ Seducing a young girl—even you should be ashamed!"

"He didn't seduce me!" Rikku protested. "How could he? It's _Seymour!_ No offense," she added, seeing Seymour's slightly insulted look.

Lulu eyed Rikku dubiously. "You love him," she repeated.

Rikku stuck out her chin defiantly. "I do."

Lulu turned to Seymour. "And I suppose that you claim to love her."

Seymour nodded. "I do love her."

Lulu sighed. "Get dressed," she said, biting back the urge to yell at one or both of them. "We'll be in Besaid in less than half an hour." She shut the door behind her.

Rikku scowled. "Y'know, I'm half tempted to do it right here and now, just to give her something to talk about."

"That isn't a good reason," said Seymour. "And we only have half an hour. She would walk in on us."

"Serve her right," Rikku grumbled. She flopped back onto the pillow and pulled the sheets over her head. "I don't want to get up. It's icky out there. It's nice in here. Let's just stay here."

"Forever?" Seymour asked.

"Yeah, why not? We could make a living working as swabbies or cabin boys or whatever it is people do on ships. Or we could stage a hostile takeover of the ferry and be the captains.

"Hostile takeovers are enjoyable," Seymour mused. "You really must try one sometime." He pulled the covers back from Rikku's face and kissed her forehead. "But not now."

She sat up and leaned against his shoulder. "They're going to hate me. They already hate you."

"You are most likely right about me," he said. "If they did not, I would be shocked. But I do not think they will hate you. They will just be worried about you, as Lulu seems to be, because they care for you."

"You sound like an After School Special."

"A what?"

"Never mind," she said. "Geez. If she's worried, why can't she do it less judgmentally?"

"I don't know," said Seymour. "I am no expert on the inner workings of humans."

Rikku sighed. "Well, fun as it would be for you to greet everyone in your undies, you probably ought to get dressed before we leave."

"True." Seymour reluctantly got out of bed and donned his red shirt. He then began the process of putting on his pants. "I will need five minutes just to get into _these_."

Rikku pulled on her slightly damp shoes and socks. "Yeah, but they're worth the effort. Your butt looks really good in them."

"Really?" Seymour moved in front of the mirror so he could see. "How does one tell if someone has an attractive posterior?"

"I dunno. It's personal taste, I guess. You can just tell." She grinned. "And yours is _very_ nice." She reached out and pinched it.

Seymour jumped a mile. "Rikku!" He blushed

Rikku giggled and put her arms around him. "You're gonna have to get used to it." She reached up and traced the blue designs on his forehead—whose origins they had never decided upon—with her finger.

Seymour smoothed a stray lock of blond hair back from her face. "I suppose I shall."

They kissed, and although there was no water, starlight, or music this time, it was still heavenly. It was also very long-lasting, for Lulu walked in on them.

"Hi, Lulu!" Rikku greeted her, her voice muffled because she was speaking out of the corner of her mouth.

"I think this is our cue to stop," Seymour said, though he still hadn't broken the kiss.

"Yes, please do," said Lulu, her visible eye twitching slightly. "We've arrived."

They separated, but Rikku reached for Seymour's hand as they followed Lulu onto the deck. He took it. Lulu noticed, but said nothing.

The remaining members of Yuna's party, minus Wakka, were there to meet them at the dock. Auron looked a bit more mellow than when they had last seen him, but one couldn't really tell with Auron whether he was mellow or not. Kimahri stood imposingly as always. Yuna smiled and waved at them. She was still very pretty, but Seymour no longer felt quite the same feeling he once had when he looked at her. His feelings toward Tidus, however, had not changed. The blond boy waved stupidly and called out to them, and Seymour felt the same old intense irritation coupled with the same old desire to murder Tidus on the spot.

Yuna ran up to greet them. "Lulu, Rikku, hello! I've missed you both." She hugged both women warmly, but drew back coldly from Seymour. Understandable, he reasoned, considering that he had tried forcing her to marry him and help him destroy Spira.

Tidus scampered up after her. "Hey, Lulu! Hey, Rikku!" He looked at Seymour and scratched his head. "Wow, Seymour, you sure look different. You don't look like a nightmare hat rack anymore!"

Seymour glanced at Rikku. "Would you be terribly upset if I killed him?" he asked so only she would hear.

"Sorry, you can't," she whispered back. "Yunie really likes him."

Tidus looked around in confusion. "Hey, where's Wakka?"

"We accidentally left him in Luca," Lulu said. "But we have more pressing things to worry about."

Seymour heard Rikku gulp. He took her hand again and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"Of course, the sending," said Yuna. "I have my staff with me. We just need to move to a bigger area than the dock."

Lulu shook her head. "Unfortunately, there is something more than that."

A look of concern crossed Yuna's face. "What is it?"

"These two," Lulu gestured at Rikku and Seymour, "profess to have feelings for each other."

Yuna gasped. Tidus made an odd squawking sound. The unflappable Kimahri's eyes widened to the size of plates. Auron dropped his sword.

"How do you know?" Yuna asked, trying to regain her composure.

"I found them together this morning. They told me that they love each other."

Auron picked up his sword, uncorked his jug of sake, and took a very long drink.

"Found them together?" Tidus' eyes widened to rival Kimahri's. "Holy crap!" He looked from Rikku to Seymour. "So you guys got it on?"

"No!" they both snapped.

"Why does everyone think I'm a skank?" Rikku complained.

"I believe they are telling the truth," said Lulu. "They were fully clothed when I found them, save for his shirt and her socks and shoes."

"So you two are now in love." Auron eyed Seymour through his sunglasses. "You—a Guado and a maester of Yevon—love an Al Bhed."

"Yes." Seymour could not hold back some antagonism. "The irony does not escape me."

Auron ignored Seymour's sarcasm and turned to Rikku. "And you love an unsent who destroyed your race's Home and has shown that he thinks nothing of murder or treachery."

"Yes." Rikku stepped protectively in front of Seymour. "And I won't let you send him."

"You are being foolish." He looked at Seymour. "And you are either lower than I thought, or are suffering from the worst case of Stockholm syndrome I've ever seen."

Seymour felt his anger rising, and for Rikku's sake was glad he still wore Calhoun. "Do you think I am lying?"

"Yes."

"And what, pray tell, would I have to gain by it?"

"An extension of your life," Auron growled, "if you can call it that."

Seymour laughed bitterly. "Fine talk coming from _you_, Sir Auron."

"Seymour, please stop!" Rikku tugged on his arm. "This isn't exactly helping." He made himself calm down, but still cast a dark look at Auron.

"I think," Yuna finally spoke up, looking troubled and confused, "that we should walk to the village. We can decide things there. Rikku, I would like for you to walk with me. Alone."

Rikku reluctantly let go of Seymour's hand. "Yes, Yunie."

They set off down the path to Besaid village. Yuna and Rikku led the way. Lulu walked a ways behind them with Auron. Seymour could not hear what either pair was saying.

Tidus fell into step next to him. "So," Tidus said brightly.

"So what?" Seymour asked, mustering as much disdain as possible.

"What's it like kissing Rikku?"

"_Excuse_ me?"

"What's it like kissing Rikku?" he repeated. "I mean, does she kiss like Yuna?"

"Do you posses one iota of tact?" Seymour asked with disgust. Then, as an afterthought, he added, "No. It isn't like kissing Yuna at all."

Tidus nodded. "Just wondering." He paused for a moment. "So... did you rock the kazbah?"

"What?"

"You know..." Tidus grinned suggestively.

It took every fiber of self-control in Seymour's body to keep him from punching the blond boy into oblivion. Instead he said in a civil tone, "Tell me, Tidus. Does the thought of me in bed with Rikku appeal to you somehow?"

"Umm...not really," said Tidus. "Actually, it creeps me out. I was just curious."

Seymour suddenly knew how he could inflict harm on Tidus. "So," he continued, suppressing a wicked grin, "it troubles you to think of Rikku and me caught in the throes of carnal passion—"

Tidus blanched a little.

"—writhing and twisting in the sheets—"

Tidus looked ill.

"—panting for breath as our sweaty, naked bodies—"

"STOP IT!" Tidus shrieked, covering his eyes. "You're making my brain burn! Unclean! Unclean!" He ran a safe distance away.

_So this is why Rikku does this so often_, Seymour thought as he watched Tidus twitch and gag ahead of him. _It's immensely satisfying. _

Kimahri chuckled quietly behind him. "Kimahri not like Maester Seymour, but Kimahri thank anyone who make Tidus-boy twitchy. Hard thing to do. Usually Tidus-boy make Kimahri and others twitchy."

Seymour was glad to have made the Ronso laugh. He didn't particularly like Kimahri, but he admired his dedication as a guardian. Also, Kimahri had been the only one to not say anything about his relationship with Rikku. "I hope that I did not give you unpleasant mental images as well."

"No," said Kimahri. "Ronsos strong in mind and body. Have brain guard to keep bad pictures out of head. Very useful."

"I imagine it would be," Seymour replied, for now his own head swam with the same images he had given Tidus; and while they weren't exactly unpleasant, they were a bit embarrassing.

He'd managed to purge himself of the worst of them by the time they reached Besaid's village. Yuna entered a tent with Rikku and beckoned Lulu to join them. They disappeared for ten agonizingly slow minutes, which Seymour spent staring at the ground while Auron, Kimahri, and Tidus (with the occasional twitch) silently scrutinized him.

Finally Rikku emerged from the tent and ran to Seymour.

"Rikku!" Yuna called sharply from the tent's doorway. "Don't say anything to him." Rikku obediently remained silent, but she took Seymour's hand. "Seymour, come here." Rikku clung to Seymour tightly, her hand still small and delicate compared to his own. Yuna sighed. "Rikku, please. I'm not going to send him now. I just want to talk to him."

Rikku released him, but not before giving him a peck on the cheek that made Tidus squawk. Seymour looked into her eyes, trying to figure out what it was that awaited him, but found nothing other than an encouraging smile. That was enough for him, he decided. He followed Yuna into the tent.

"Sit." Seymour did as the young summoner bade him and sat on a nearby cushion. He saw Lulu seated in the corner. Yuna remained standing.

"Rikku loves you," she told him. "Do you also love her?"

"Yes," Seymour said.

"I too love Rikku, as a friend and a family member. Everyone here loves her." Yuna glared at him. "And if we find out that you are lying to us about this, I swear by everything I know that you will _beg_ for a sending before we are through with you."

Seymour hadn't suspected that Yuna could be so frightening. "I understand."

"Good." Yuna sat on a cushion a few feet away from Seymour, laying her staff across her knees. "Now, then. When did you first become aware of your feelings for Rikku?"

"Last night."

"Only last night? That seems abrupt."

"I was not expecting it, believe me." Seymour described what had happened the night before, up through Rikku retrieving him from the ocean.

"Then what happened?" Yuna asked.

"We noticed that our clothes were soaked, and Rikku offered to dry my robe. I said something—some joke—about waterlogged pyreflies. Rikku reacted strangely and wouldn't let me see her face. She asked why I had come back. I told her the truth—I had no time to think of a lie. Then she sounded as though she was angry with me. She said I was stupid. Finally she turned so I could see her face, and I saw that she was crying. She embraced me..." Seymour stopped. "Have you ever seen her cry?"

Yuna nodded. "Yes."

"It was the saddest thing I have ever encountered." His mind drifted. "Rikku is so light and joyful. It is wrong for her to weep. A crime. _Nothing_ should make her shed tears. And here I had caused her to... I tried to comfort her. I told her not to cry. I must have started crying myself, because then _she_ told _me_ not to cry." He smiled slightly at the memory. "I apologized, and she told me not to do that, either. She kissed my cheek. Then I kissed her. We kissed."

"How was the kiss?" Yuna asked.

"Ironically, your twit of a boyfriend asked me the same question. It was wondrous." He frowned. "It was a bit unusual, though."

"Unusual how?" Yuna asked evenly, but her hands clenched her staff more tightly.

"The kiss itself was not unusual; it was what seemed to be occurring simultaneously that was confusing," Seymour said. "I felt as though we were twirling—which is not strange in and of itself, because I do not believe I am ever fully on earth when we kiss—but there also were stars and water all around us. There was also this music that seemed to correspond with our actions." He paused. "Now that I think of it, I first noticed the music a bit earlier, when she was crying."

"Describe the music."

"Orchestral," said Seymour. "Strings and woodwinds predominantly, and a piano at the quieter sections. The intensity varied. There was also a voice."

"How did the voice sound?" Yuna asked, glancing at Lulu.

Seymour thought about it. "High-pitched. Female. Quite frankly, it was more than a little nasal. She lacked breath support on the higher notes. I was not overly concerned with it at the time. My mind was on more important matters. I can still remember the tune, though."

"Sing it," Yuna ordered him, her voice now shaking.

"All right." Seymour awkwardly sang what he could remember of the song. Surprisingly, he knew every word.

Yuna gasped. "Dear Yevon... the Montage!"

Seymour politely resisted the temptation to remind Yuna that she had forsaken Yevon. "What montage?"

"It is a phenomenon powered by the magical energy that resides within Macalania Woods," Lulu explained. "However, the Macalania Montage, as it is known, can occur anywhere on Spira when two people who truly love each other kiss for the first time."

"Lulu went through the Montage with Chappu," said Yuna. "I went through it with Tidus. And you—you seem to have gone through it with Rikku. You both knew the song perfectly. Not even you could fake that."

"Why not?" Seymour asked. "I am curious. Is this song not written down anywhere?"

"It is," said Lulu. "But had you only read the music or heard it secondhand, without having experienced the Montage yourself, you would be unable to repeat the song."

"Why?"

Lulu rolled her eyes. "Some romantic magic, I assume. I know it sounds ridiculous, but keep in mind that the idea of a magical true lovers' montage is ridiculous in and of itself." She shook her head ruefully. "You and Rikku. If someone had told me that a week ago—or even a day ago—I would have advised them to sniff some Musk."

Yuna stood and met Seymour's eyes with her own green and blue. "I do not like you," she told him. "I do not trust you, either. I will admit that. However..." She bowed. "If you and Rikku love each other, then I will give you a chance."

Seymour stood and bowed back, hardly believing his ears. "Thank you, Lady Yuna."

"Come." Yuna beckoned Seymour and Lulu to follow. "We must tell the others."

They stepped outside. Rikku anxiously raced up to Yuna. "You're not going to send him, are you?"

"No." She addressed the group. "Lulu and I have determined that Seymour is telling the truth. He loves Rikku. She loves him. Therefor, Seymour will not be sent so long as he behaves."

"And how are we going to insure that he does?" Auron asked, still watching Seymour with misgiving. "Is he going to keep Calhoun on him?"

"For awhile at least, yes," Lulu said. "Until we are confident that he will not return to his old ways."

Auron raised his eyebrows. "He's agreeing to this?"

"As I told her last night, I will never harm her," Seymour said. "The rest of you are another matter entirely. However, as she would be unhappy if I injured one of you, I will keep Calhoun as a precaution."

"Are we all done talking?" asked Rikku. "I want to hug him."

A grin played around Yuna's lips. "Go ahead."

With a happy cry, Rikku vaulted into Seymour's arms. He laughed and held her tightly, not wanting to let her go. They kissed passionately. Behind them, they heard Auron uncork his sake jug.

"Ewwww..." Tidus made a face. "It looks so _weird_. I mean, he's _dead_."

Rikku broke the kiss to scowl at him. "Deal with it, Tidus! You'll be seeing a lot more of it!"

"But he is right," Seymour said. "I _am_ dead. What are we going to--"

"Oh, don't worry about it," Rikku said impatiently. "We already tackled one issue today. Leave that one for later."

Seymour was quite happy to obey. "All right." He gently kissed her on the top of the head. "I love you."

Rikku smiled up at him. "I love you, too."

Kimahri looked at Yuna. "So Maester Seymour come with us now?"

"Yes," Yuna replied. "They do still need to get to know each other, after all."

"That's true," said Rikku. "Seymour, what's your favorite color? Mine's kelly green."

"Indigo," he said. "What is your favorite pastry?"

"Chocolate eclairs, definitely. Yours?"

"I would have to say cream puffs," said Seymour. "I supposed this is a good start on getting to know each other."

"Yeah," Rikku agreed. "And we've got all sorts of time to finish!"

)--------------------------------------------------------------------------------(

(A/N) This concludes the Romantic Ending of the story. I hope it wasn't too corny. But remember: that whole "twirling around in the water with music" thing was in the game originally, so that, at least, wasn't my idea. If you like the idea of Seymour and Rikku in love, then you may want to avoid the two upcoming Alternate Endings, as they will be devoid of romance.

Yay again to readers, especially reviewers! Do I really make Seymour and Rikku a plausible couple? I feel so proud of myself! And I technically stayed within a PG rating and everything! Huah!


	13. The AntiRomance Ending, Part 1

A/N Yes, yes, I know. I've left this fic alone for almost a year now. I'm terribly ashamed of myself, believe me. But, thanks to college and it's atmosphere of procrastination, I am back! Mwahahaha!

So let me explain how this works again. This story has three endings. One of them, the Romantic Ending, is already up. Each ending picks up right after Ch. 11, and none of them has anything to do with the other two. So ignore the Romantic Ending for this one, and enjoy!

DISCLAIMER: All characters appearing in this chapter are owned by SquareSoft, not me. If I owned them, then Seymour would have a different name, preferably one not shared by a character from _Little Shop of Horrors._

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"Lulu, chill. We didn't forget anything, alright?"

The black mage had been fidgeting since they boarded the ferry. She was currently staring into space with her brow furrowed, which she had been doing throughout dinner. At the sound of Rikku's voice, her eyes refocused and she returned her attention to the table.

"What?" she asked, still a bit out of it.

"I said, chill," Rikku repeated around a mouthful of chocolate mousse. The dessert was actually Lulu's; Rikku had snitched it over five minutes ago, and Lulu still had not noticed. "We didn't forget anything. We didn't have anything to forget, thanks to Auron. The only stuff we have to our names is our clothes and the soaps from the hotel. And we've got those, unless somebody forgot their pants back at the hotel."

Seymour arched one eyebrow at Rikku. "Why are you looking at me when you say this?"

"I'm not looking at you."

"Yes, you are."

"Are not."

"You are."

"Not."

"Are."

"Not!"

"Are!"

Rikku poked Seymour. "What, you think I like looking at you?"

"Please stop touching me."

"I'm not touching you."

"Are."

"Not."

"Are!"

"Not!"

Lulu groaned and massaged her temples with her fingertips. "I'm going to bed. If you must continue squabbling, please do so away from my room." She rose, her skirts rustling, and glided off.

"Well!" Rikku said brightly. "Looks like it's just us." She grinned and poked Seymour again. "Poke."

He twitched. "Stop that."

"Poke."

He jumped; she'd gotten him in the side that time, and it tickled. "I am warning you. Stop that."

Rikku raised her finger and slowly pressed it into Seymour's breastbone. "Poooooooooke."

Seymour grabbed her hand so as to remove the offending finger from his person. Rikku's breath momentarily quickened. He glanced down and saw that her eyes were wide and wistful. He arched an eyebrow. "What sort of face is that?"

"Huh? What're you talking about?" Rikku averted her gaze. "What face?"

"The face you made just now. You looked as though you were having an opium hallucination." He noticed that he still held her hand and released it. "And now you are blushing."

"I am not!" Rikku argued, but her blush deepened.

Seymour sighed. "You are bizarre." He pushed his chair back from the table and stood, brushing imaginary crumbs from his pants.

"You're leaving?" Rikku asked.

"Yes."

"Where are you going?"

"My room. Where else would I go?"

"To do what?"

He gave her a strange look. "Why are you asking so many questions?"

"I'm curious," she replied. "Haven't you noticed that by now? Answer the question."

"I am going to ponder my existence and write out my last confession," Seymour said.

"What are you going to write in it?"

What had gotten into her? It was as if she was trying to detain him. "I do not know," Seymour said. "That is where the pondering of my existence comes in. Now, if you will kindly let me have some peace in my last night of life—that is, in my last night of living death," he corrected himself, "I shall be on my way."

"Alright," Rikku said. "See ya later, I guess."

There was that face again: that odd wistful gaze. Rikku's eyes were so wide that Seymour could almost feel her stare burning into his back. He wondered again why she was acting so oddly—or rather, why she was acting oddly in a different way than she generally did. However, his mind wasted no time pondering Rikku's behavior. There were much more important matters at hand: foremost, his survival.

Seymour entered his room and locked the door behind him. He was going to be sent the minute he touched the sand on Besaid. Jumping overboard and swimming for it was not going to work. He needed a plan, and he needed it fast. Seymour had two traditional courses of action when faced with difficulty: force and guile. The first was not an option, what with Calhoun. That left the second.

He sat on the bed and rested his chin in one of his large hands. He needed a way to make Rikku leave Calhoun's controller unattended; or, better yet, remove the device for him. Now, what possible methods could he employ? There was always the easy course of sneaking into Rikku's room and taking the controller once she was asleep, but he decided to hold this plan in reserve in case he failed to think of something better. He immediately ruled out simplistic trickery. Rikku acted like a child, but she was crafty. He needed something deeper. Something believable. But what?

After an hour of fruitless brainstorming, Seymour was interrupted by a knock at the door. "Seymour? Are you up?"

Rikku. Seymour remained silent. Perhaps she would think he had fallen asleep.

"Duck if you don't have clothes on!"

Before Seymour had the chance to be confused by this command, there was the sound of a key turning in the lock. The door opened enough for a green-eyed glance into the room, then swung open in earnest to reveal Rikku.

"How did you get in?" Seymour demanded.

Rikku jingled the key ring. "I had a key. Duh."

"I know that," Seymour said impatiently. "I meant, why do you have a key?"

"Lulu gave one to me," she said. "She's got one, too."

This was news to Seymour. "Do you mean that everybody has a key to my room except for me?"

Rikku shrugged. "Looks that way. Are you… doing any important pondering at the moment?"

Seymour's first inclination was to say, "Yes. Leave my sight this instant, and perhaps I will be courteous enough to obliterate you quickly once I have regained my powers." But then he saw how very uncomfortable Rikku looked. In spite of himself, he felt concerned. Rikku had been something of a friend the past few days. Apparently enough of an attachment had formed that he cared about her wellbeing.

So, instead of sending her away, Seymour replied, "I am not in the midst of a breakthrough, unfortunately. Why are you here?"

"Well… if you're not busy…" She fiddled with the bands of her gloves. "Do you want to take a walk around the deck?"

What? Seymour blinked. "I suppose. Why?"

"There's, um, something I wanna talk to you about."

Seymour followed Rikku out of the room. The girl was acting awkward without a doubt. She fidgeted as much as Lulu had. She was unsteady when she spoke. She avoided eye contact; Seymour found this to be disconcerting, since he was used to Rikku staring him impertinently in the face. What could have her so discomfited?

They walked in silence along the railing. Seymour expected Rikku to say something; hadn't she said she wanted to talk to him about something? But minutes went by, and she remained silent. He used the silence to continue plotting. What if he—no, there was not enough time. Perhaps—no, someone would most certainly notice. Damn. He had plotter's block.

As he scowled in frustration, he felt a strange sensation on his right side. It was a strange mix of goose bumps, pins and needles, and the uneasy feeling a person gets when he thinks he is being watched. Seymour realized he had felt something similar earlier that night and glanced surreptitiously at Rikku. Sure enough, she was gazing at him wistfully again. He unconsciously shifted a few inches away from her. There was something about that wide-eyed look that he found extremely creepy.

"Seymour…?"

He did the polite thing and turned towards her, though now he had to look directly at what he had dubbed The Gaze. "Yes?"

"I… um…" Rikku looked at the deck. Seymour was thankful, as it meant he was no longer the target of The Gaze. "It's… well, over the past few days, we've had a lot of fun. At least, I think we had fun. Did you have fun?"

"It was… interesting." Seymour considered it. "Yes. Yes, I did."

"Really?" Rikku smiled at him, and The Gaze reappeared. "Oh, I'm so happy to hear you say that! And… well… I…" She bit her lower lip. "I think I've really started to like you."

"Thank you," Seymour said, wishing she would stop staring at him. Had she blinked at all during their conversation thus far? "You are not as intolerable as I expected."

"Thanks," Rikku said, blushing a little. "But that's not exactly what I meant. I meant that I _like_ you."

Seymour nodded. "Yes, I understand."

"No. I mean, _really _like you."

"Okay…" Why did she feel the need to keep repeating this? He had understood the first time. He wasn't a simpleton, after all.

"Seymour!" Rikku stomped her foot, The Gaze giving way to her normal expression for a moment. "I love you!"

Seymour thanked Yevon that he was not chewing or drinking anything at the moment, or else he would have choked. He gaped at her for a moment. Perhaps he hadn't heard her correctly. "Excuse me?"

"I love you." Rikku resumed The Gaze and wrapped her arms around herself. "I thought I'd just gotten inverse Stockholm syndrome or something, but then I realized… I'm in love with you."

"In… love… with… me?" Seymour politely choked out through his tightly-clenched jaw.

Rikku nodded, The Gaze now more intense than ever. Seymour was now quite certain that she had not blinked at all. He'd been keeping track. Rikku shyly moved towards him and put her hands on his chest. "I am," she whispered. She clutched at the fabric of his shirt. "I don't want to lose you! I love you so much!"

The wheels in his brain, which had screeched to a momentary halt due to the shock of Rikku's confession, began turning again. She didn't want to lose him, hmm? Seymour almost laughed aloud with glee. He couldn't believe his luck! Rikku loved him. Love made people do stupid, stupid things. Tidus and Yuna were proof enough of that. Rikku would be no exception. She would free him to keep him safe. All Seymour had to do was play along. Now, how did one act sensitive?

"Rikku..." he murmured, his mind dredging up images of every romantic hero he could think of. Childhood exposure to Jyscal's soap operas would finally pay off. "I don't quite know what to say. I dreamed, but I never dared to hope that you would feel as I do…"

She looked up at him. "You feel the same way?" Her eyes were positively glistening. "Really?"

Seymour nodded in what he hoped was a solemn, brooding fashion. "I do. I swear it on my life." He was proud of himself for the cleverness of that last bit: he didn't _have_ a life.

"Oh, Seymour!" Rikku squealed. "This is wonderful!"

Seymour frowned. "But what will your friends say?"

"They'll understand! I'm sure of it!" Rikku cried with great passion. "They have to understand the power of true love!"

"I am not so certain." Seymour steeled himself and looked soulfully (or at least that's what he was going for) into Rikku's dilated eyes. "They will need convincing."

"Then I'll convince them!" Rikku said fiercely. "We'll convince them! Nothing can stand in the way of our love!" The Gaze was now so intense that Seymour half expected something to combust behind him. She reached up and caressed Seymour's face. "We've only just found each other," she said in a choked voice. "I don't want anything to get in the way of our happiness."

Seymour suppressed a shudder. He had never been so disturbed. A hundred sticky situations, a thousand double entendres, a million Calhoun shocks—he would have taken all of that and more over this… this… He didn't even know what to call it. It was as though Rikku had become possessed by all that was wrong with romance. But he had to string her along. It was the only way to avoid permanent death.

"Nothing will stand in our way," he assured her, suppressing a gag reflex as he did so. He shook his head wearily. "I apologize, but I am very tired. I must rest and think about all of this."

"Oh, of course!" Rikku latched herself to Seymour's arm and attempted to snuggle. "I'll walk you back to your room."

Seymour's eyes widened in alarm. What if Rikku tried to stay the night with him? It was wrong. So very, very wrong. And statutory. And she was Yuna's _cousin._ The very notion of adult situations with Rikku made him nauseous. He made a conscious effort not to stiffen as they walked down the deck.

When they arrived at his doorway, Rikku put her arms around his neck. "Seymour, in case we don't have much time left to spend together on this earth—"

_Dear Yevon, NO!_

Seymour disentangled himself and dodged Rikku's puckered lips. "No, Rikku," he told her, trying desperately to think of a good reason why he wouldn't let her anywhere near him. "Never say that. Continue to hope. We will have time, and I want everything to be perfect."

Damn it, he had contradicted himself. A few minutes ago, he had been the doubtful one. He hoped her passion-addled mind didn't notice the discrepancy.

"Oh, Seymour!" she swooned. "You're such a Prince Charming! Alright, then. We will wait." She blew him a kiss. "Goodnight, my love!"

"Goodnight."

Seymour locked himself into his room as fast as he possibly could. He headed straight for the minibar. He didn't care what Lulu had threatened to do to anyone who took the minibar beverages; he needed a drink. He rummaged for the strongest thing he could find—unfortunately, none of Sir Auron's rand of sake was present—and drained it in one go. His head reeled rewardingly. This business of a lovesick Rikku was the worst thing yet. Disgusting. Frightening. Absolutely creepy. What was the matter with her? She was Rikku! Such ideas where supposed to make her wrinkle her nose and say "Ew!" The had come out of _nowhere._ She was not supposed to be clingy and swooning!

He undressed and pulled on his sleeveless robes. Well, he thought as he folded his clothes and put them neatly into a pile. It would all be over soon. He just needed her to remove Calhoun, which had to be tomorrow morning at latest. Then he would finally be free of her and this new torment. He fell back onto the bed and shut off the light, vowing to annihilate something large and heavily populated to reward himself.

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A/N And so ends the first installment of the Anti-Romance Ending. Its conclusion (which should be much more entertaining)is in the works. I apologize in advance to any romantics who may be offended by the lack of warm fuzziness contained in this ending.


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